Ode to Pod

Somebody told us to pack up our bags -
Move out of the pod and move in with hags.
Were we offered a choice?
Did they ask for our voice?
They just pushed us around like dirty old slags.

A slag however, has a much better life
Than salespeople working through trouble and strife.
Slags get good tips
For a kiss on the lips
Salespeople get treated like a stay at home wife.

The Pod will soon be a fond memory
When I swivel my chair, your face I won't see
I'll cry for a week
I don't think I'll speak
Who the hell will I tell when I need a wee??

Oh My

Lordy lord my health was hampered indeed. Which is why I haven't posted for ages. So, sorry to my fans who complained endlessly.

On a separate note, I am feeling rather revived and ready to embark on my once again healthy life. Um, so i totally have stuff to write, but I'm starting to think that I can't again. Cos, you know, people who I don't want to read some stuff read this. Why oh why is this always a problem?

Oh! I totally complained to my boss yesterday about the fuckwits I work with, and he's gonna 'manage them'. Yesssss... Bazza and her firing force are back...

I'd like to say a special hello to Thomas who is currently pissed and messaging me on Facebook. I love him - we're gonna get married you see. And our children will be adorable.

I'd also like to say a special hello to Toes - she's probably one of my biggest fans and I'm sure she'll pee herself with excitement to know that I've mentioned her. She helped me out last night - I was searching through the AM radio stations for Triple J and she quickly advised me that it's an FM station. "Welcome to the noughties, Nanna' she said. Thanks Toes - can always count on you ;)

So who hates smiley faces? Like, in texts? I used to, but now I find myself wishing it was possible to pull one out of the air in a face to face conversation. You know, like have them pop up from the top of your head like a lightbulb.

I can see my brain isn't quite fixed from the loooong weekend so I'll go now, and attempt to write something more normal tomorrow.

Peace be with you...

Sweet

I am, like, the most super healthy person in the WORLD. I fear, however, that tonight's frivolities might hamper this assertion somewhat. I am planning on going out for a few drinks this evening, you see, and I imagine that said drinks won't be all that healthy... unless I go for the Bloody Mary again. Idea!

Oh! And I work with this chick who is an absolute WHORE OF BABYLON and I FUCKING HATE HER and so do the rest of my team, and I have just talked to her (an effort) about jobs. She said that she's looking, and I mentioned the job that I turned down back in January, and she was interested in it! SO, I've emailed it to her and I'm totally gonna put in a good word for her and get her the fuck out of my office. Sweeeet.

Also, the absolute COCK that we work with needs to get the fuck out too, so I'm formulating a plan to get him sacked - or at the very least, forced to resign. Sweeeet again.

Um, what else. Long weekend! Woo hoo! I'm going bushwalking on Sunday and tomorrow I'm having a DVD day via correspondence with my besty in Sydney. Sweeeeet for me!

Huh?

I just got a friend request on Facebook from my cousin - who I never talk to and see once every 10 years - and discovered that she's friends with my SISTER - who I didn't even know was on Facebook.

So, I have just requested to be friends with my sister.

This is quite poignant really, as I haven't spoken to her in 2 months. Maybe Facebook will be the mediator in our relationship. Maybe I can only talk to her via Facebook. Maybe I should just call her.

No. Don't wanna.

Promises

It has been brought to my attention (thanks to the wonderful connectivity of Facebook) that my mention of going back to England for a holiday are largely doubted. So, I PROMISE that I will be heading back to the rainy, cold, muddy little island some time next year. Hopefully around this time next year.

You hear that? P R O M I S E

And I stick to my promises. For example, I have just now promised to Colin that I will get the fly spray and spray the very large fly that he's chasing around the house, in order for him to have a fairer chance of catching it and eating it. Because I've promised this, I will do it. After I've written this. Although, I am rather enjoying watching him run around on top of the furniture squawking like some strange bedraggled animal.

Um, so, this is the last day of my little week off. I'm going to Seaworld and to the beach. I'm only going to Seaworld because I will be accompanied by a small child AND the tickets are half price for QLD residents. Ordinarily they'd cost $63!! And there's no way in hell I'd pay that much for ANYTHING (except a life sized solid chocolate easter bunny).

Oh lord - Colin's little noises of frustration are so funny... It's like half-miaows. It sounds like he's saying "meh meh meh meh meh" over and over again. Haahhahahahaaa... I should go and help him out really. After all - I PROMISED I would. Hmph.

Touching Base

Just spoke to my boss to tell him that I will be in on Monday. He asked me to 'touch base' today to make sure my week had gone well. And I was very happy to tell him that yes, my week had gone well so far, and I am very much looking forward to coming into work on Monday. In a strange way, I've missed his scary positivity and annoying cliche's.

But, my week isn't over yet. Today was pay day, and I went shopping for food and some stuff, and my card got declined! But after a quick trip to the bank I discovered that it was the bank's problem. So there. Um, have bought lots of food, and I bought myself a GOLD LINDT CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY!!!!

I am SUPER excited about eating it, but of course, that won't be done until next weekend. I'm a firm believer in keeping the easter festivities such as gold bunnies and hot cross buns until the actual easter day. Or the weekend at least.

I think I might be going to Seaworld tomorrow. A family friend has popped over from Perth and her little girl (the same one who covered me in baby poo a year or two ago) really wanna go. And apart from an all important spin class in the morning, I've got nothing better to do.

Speaking of the small child - it was strange; almost as soon as she got inside the house, she dragged me to go 'wee wee' with her. Memories of last time, and the smell of the baby poo that wouldn't leave my skin for days, plagued my mind and I was frightened. But, she got in to the bathroom, and to my absolute pleasure and pride she pulled down her undies and sat on the loo etc etc etc! I felt like she'd really grown up. Bless her.

If I ever have kids, I might just give them to someone else until they're toilet trained. I mean seriously - if a cat can shit in the litter tray from 6 weeks old, then how can humans possibly claim to be the superior animal? Cats all the way - that's what I say.

Half Way

I'm going to get my little Jayden back this morning. Which is good, cos Kevin the Corolla is starting to piss me off. What kind of a car doesn't have stereo controls on the steering wheel?? Seriously... that's a serious design fault right there.

Today is the half way point of my week off. I'm feeling slightly discombobulated by the whole thing. Tomorrow, however, will be super exciting cos it's pay day and as far as I know I don't have any major expenses to shell out and I might actually be able to afford to buy myself something nice. Cos by christ I know I deserve it!

I'm starting to get slightly addicted to daytime tv. Only the morning stuff, mind you, like Sunrise with Mel and Kochy. Hahaha they're so funny...

I think I'm turning into a stay at home mother. Colin's loving it, but I think I'm turning into a bit of a... um... domesticated middle aged woman...? I thought I couldn't get any more prematurely middle aged, but yes - it is apparently possible.

So, the half way point of my week of cleansing finds me in this position: I'm relaxed, slightly perturbed that I have an ability to fully relax and enjoy not having much of a routine, and I'm ready to start thinking about going back to work. Almost.

In-dupe-itably

I've now spent my first day at home, of my normally working week. I'm beginning to realise that being at work actually saves you a lot of time and money, as you don't have to worry about door to door salespeople.

An Indian man, with very bad skin, a clipboard and an origin energy ID card just tried to dupe me. He told me that because I am an Origin Energy customer for my gas, I could get some free green energy lightbulbs or something. I was all like, well, I have some of those so thanks but no thanks. Then he said, well if you don't want the lightbulbs I can give you a free 12 month subscription to Marie Claire magazine.

Alarm bells went off in my head: Why do I get this for free? What do I have to do?

I more or less asked him that and he said, in his very hard to understand Indian accent, that it was not a contract and I was just agreeing to make my energy that I use greener and it would help the environment etc. So I looked at the leaflet he gave me, and reiterated what I was getting to the salesman to ensure that he knew my understanding of the deal. And I signed. Then he phoned some origin energy phone line and I had to give this woman a heap of numbers, and she said:

Ok, so do you agree to signing up with Origin Energy for both your electricity and gas needs and signing a lock in contract for this service?

At this point I realised that I had been duped. I told the woman on the phone that I had no intention of signing up with Origin for my electricity as I am happy with my current elec provider. She then asked to speak to the salesperson so I handed the phone over and he got what I can only assume was a bollocking and hung up.

I told him; you didn't explain that to me at all, you made no mention of electricity to me. I think in the future you should try explaining the situation fully to any customers that you're selling to.

His response?

Please give me my leaflet back.

The Cleansing

Gone are the days of self destruction - in are the days of cleansing.

If life starts to get cluttered, messy and just a little bit troublesome; start again. Of course, the physical act of being born again is reserved only for those people of biblical and mythical proportions. So, we people of little faith and importance have a renaissance which is wholly ungodly and much less exciting.

But by god it's going to be good.

I'm taking the next week off work. "Sick Leave" is what my boss called it. What he doesn't know is that I've actually spent the last few weeks being sick, and next week's leave is, in fact, the surgery. It's the time when I'm going to get better. So, we shall call it "Health Leave".

In Health leave, a person needs to put together an adequate schedule. I have done this, in the form of an excel spreadsheet, and my week currently consists of lots of gym, eating healthily, bushwalks, doctors appointments, cooking, reading and museums. Unfortunately I have only $20 to last me til Thursday, so my activities will be FREE activities only. That's ok though - if the years of sickness have taught me anything, it's that happiness does not come from money.

And that's what my week is about - happiness.

I shall begin with a weekend of cleansing (the house and my brain), and then the activities and fun will start. By the end of the week my surgery will be over, and recovery will commence. By the time I go back to work on the 17th, I'll be a brand new, healthy person.

Mary

I'm thinking of changing my name to Mary and only consuming Bloody Mary's for the rest of my life. Think about it - they've got fruit, vegetables (the celery, and some would say, the tomatoes) and the all important alcohol that has apparently become necessary in my day-to-day life.

That's right folks - I'm drunk and it's 11:45am. The team went to the pub at 10am for a drink to celebrate the fact that one of us had the balls to resign.

So, if I changed my name to Mary, this would mean that it would be vital for me to consume a Bloody mary for breakfast every day. Intriguing concept, I think you'll agree.

Now if only I'd have brought a valium to work with me today... I could have done a double header: Prescription Drugs + Alcohol = Mary.

Being

When breathing is too much effort, you know you've gone one step closer to stopping altogether. I just wonder if I'll consciously stop breathing, or if my body will do it for me and render me physically incapable of existing at all. I could just implode, and be no longer.

What is this whole thing about 'just being' anyway. Paul Abdul on American Idol told roughly 7 contestants yesterday that they should 'just be'. I have also been told that I should 'just be' for a while. What I'm confused about is this: How does one NOT just be? When you're told by someone to 'just be', are they simply telling you to 'not not be', i.e. to not be dead...?

In which case, do I need to make a concerted effort to not be dead, in order to 'just be'? Is it as simple as stopping breathing on purpose, and therefore in order to 'just be', making a conscious effort to keep breathing...?

If so, I can consciously make the effort to carry on breathing... for today. Come tomorrow, I'm not sure as yet. I might just let my body take control and open myself up to the idea of not being - see if the body does, in fact, render me physically incapable of existing.