Handover

This is officially my last full day at work - tomorrow will largely be spent clearing things out and drinking too much. So, in order to make sure that my most prized legacies and possessions in this job are handed over effectively, and carried forth into a successful future, I write my Handover:

Day-to-Day tasks:
Being the Government Account Manager is a tough job. Working 20 hours a week is sometimes called for, and in these times of difficulty it is important to assure all friends that you will be back on Facebook by the end of the day. It's not fair to keep them hanging on while you do your job, so please keep them in mind.
It is also important to let your family know of your revised working hours. The average is a 9 - 4 day, but more often than not, you will be required to leave the office for home at about 3pm. The majority of your tasks can be completed between the hours of 10 and 11am, so bear this in mind when organising social functions and "meetings".

Internal Contacts:
From now on, your priority is Chappers. She is now the most important thing in your life, for without her you cannot enjoy the flexibility of this role. If it weren't for her, you'd probably be working 9-5; and I mean, actual WORK during ALL of those hours. Nobody wants that to happen, so keep Chappers happy.
Another consideration is your new neighbour, Roy. It is vital to keep him on his toes. There are various ways you can achieve this but my favourites are:
Punching
Yelling
Crying
Screaming
Kicking
Pointing and Laughing
Feel free to add your own methods into the mix - he gets bored pretty easily and truly does appreciate the 'banter'. Also, don't let him eat too many lollies; they're bad for him and they send him a little bit spastic too. (Note: Only allow him sugar-free beverages.)

And that's pretty much it. Anything I haven't mentioned is most likely something you can do with your eyes closed and your finger up your bum. (Roy is really good at this actually, so if you find yourself getting "stressed out", just take a leaf out of his book and go on the TAB site or look at some porn. Works a treat.)