Well fans, it's been a while. I was up in Cairnsville this week - largeing it up with the north qld massive, innit. It was pleasant enough. Planes suck. So do hotels. But hey - it was all free. Now, don't get me wrong - this weren't no holiday. I worked my fat arse off. I did 24 meetings in 4 days. That's got to be some kind of world record. It has paid off though. I'm a popular salesperson.
It's all about short sentences today. Brain is tired. I am tired. Colin is cranky cos he misses Toes and Co. I am SO very glad it's the weekend. When you work this hard during the week you almost cry with the anticipation of a night's sleep, let alone 2 days off!
I'm going for dinner with Chappsy Wappsy tomorrow - hooray! I'm sure there'll be plenty to catch up on - we haven't talked in, like, weeks! How exciting.
Um, so I should have warned you that my brain can't work properly so the content of this blog is bound to suffer. In fact, you probably shouldn't have even bothered reading this. Well done if you did. If you did, you might just understand the equation outlined in the title of this blog. It does, indeed, equal NOTHING.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Did I say... effective...?
I'm sorry - did I possibly make the gigantic assumption that I would be leaving this course a more effective and well rounded individual? Did I also allude to the thought that my new colleagues are intelligent people...? Well fuck me backwards and call me Tuesday - what a dumb-fuck I was...
The "course" I have spent the day taking is nothing other than a ginormous piece of American, Evangelist, Self Empowering, Motivational, Self Help TRIPE. I've never tasted tripe of such disgusting rancidity. The first section of the day (4 hours and 34 minutes) was devoted to... wait for it... Shifting your paradigms.
Yes - apparently we all suffer under paradigms every day, and we fail in our lives due to the assumptions and actions that these paradigms necessarily inflict upon us. An example was given - joy! - which I shall translate:
I was sitting on a subway in New York and a man boarded, followed by his two children. The children were running up and down the train making a heap of noise and the man just sat and didn't do anything. So I asked him to keep his children under control, as I naturally assumed that he just had no regard for others on the train. He replied to me, 'Oh, I'm sorry, but my wife just died half an hour ago and they don't really know how to cope. Neither do I.' I was overcome with such compassion and guilt, and I realised that my paradigms had just been shifted.
My response to this? No. Your fucking paradigms haven't been shifted - you were just caught with your holier than thou foot in your god damned mouth and you wanted to blame the feeling of stupidity on a quasi-psychological sounding issue. You're trying to massage your ego and now you want us to massage ours by admitting similar 'shifts'.
This bullshit was followed by instructions on how to write a "Personal Mission Statement". We were shown a video as inspiration - the video involved a series of snapshots of families, children, happy people running on the beach, old married couples and a bunch of words rolling across the screen in time to excessively cheesy music, like "happy to be alive", "in love", "satisfied", "commitment", "complete". Then the video stopped and (after vomiting a little in my mouth) we were instructed to 'just write down your feelings'. Mine went a little like this: "Fucking pile of hippy wank - fuck off with your self-righteous mumbo jumbo bullshit and go back to your jesus-loving piece of crap homeland you mother fucking american arse licking cocksuckers.'
The anger I expressed was more than anything I've felt in a while and to start with, I was slightly ashamed. But I did what I always do when I'm faced with an 'am I being emotionally retarded and too cynical or is everybody around me just a dumb bastard' moment, and I went and asked my mum.
She confirmed: Bazza - I'd have told them to go and play with themselves.
I love you mum.
The "course" I have spent the day taking is nothing other than a ginormous piece of American, Evangelist, Self Empowering, Motivational, Self Help TRIPE. I've never tasted tripe of such disgusting rancidity. The first section of the day (4 hours and 34 minutes) was devoted to... wait for it... Shifting your paradigms.
Yes - apparently we all suffer under paradigms every day, and we fail in our lives due to the assumptions and actions that these paradigms necessarily inflict upon us. An example was given - joy! - which I shall translate:
I was sitting on a subway in New York and a man boarded, followed by his two children. The children were running up and down the train making a heap of noise and the man just sat and didn't do anything. So I asked him to keep his children under control, as I naturally assumed that he just had no regard for others on the train. He replied to me, 'Oh, I'm sorry, but my wife just died half an hour ago and they don't really know how to cope. Neither do I.' I was overcome with such compassion and guilt, and I realised that my paradigms had just been shifted.
My response to this? No. Your fucking paradigms haven't been shifted - you were just caught with your holier than thou foot in your god damned mouth and you wanted to blame the feeling of stupidity on a quasi-psychological sounding issue. You're trying to massage your ego and now you want us to massage ours by admitting similar 'shifts'.
This bullshit was followed by instructions on how to write a "Personal Mission Statement". We were shown a video as inspiration - the video involved a series of snapshots of families, children, happy people running on the beach, old married couples and a bunch of words rolling across the screen in time to excessively cheesy music, like "happy to be alive", "in love", "satisfied", "commitment", "complete". Then the video stopped and (after vomiting a little in my mouth) we were instructed to 'just write down your feelings'. Mine went a little like this: "Fucking pile of hippy wank - fuck off with your self-righteous mumbo jumbo bullshit and go back to your jesus-loving piece of crap homeland you mother fucking american arse licking cocksuckers.'
The anger I expressed was more than anything I've felt in a while and to start with, I was slightly ashamed. But I did what I always do when I'm faced with an 'am I being emotionally retarded and too cynical or is everybody around me just a dumb bastard' moment, and I went and asked my mum.
She confirmed: Bazza - I'd have told them to go and play with themselves.
I love you mum.
Personally Effective
Today I am embarking upon a course. Accompanying me on this course are 7 of my new colleagues from around the country. Some of them have been there for years, some for a few weeks, but all are in need of achieving complete Personal Effectiveness.
The pre-course work involved answering the following questions. I have given you my answers in order for you to gauge an adequate idea of what I will be doing, and indeed how I will change, over the next 2 days:
1) Describe an area in your life where you would like to be more effective - this can be work related, or something from your personal life:
I feel that while I am highly effective in some areas of my life, others are in need of fine tuning. Some areas that I would like to focus on are; ironing, folding fitted sheets, washing dishes, sweeping and washing the floors and being able to position a tissue up my nose so as to completely stop the flow of snot brought on by the recent lurgy I have suffered.
2) What areas of work would you like to improve, and be more effective in:
Well, considering I've done a mammoth term of 2 weeks, I'd quite like to be more effective in knowing stuff. If it's at all possible for me to transplant my bosses brain into my head, that'd be just peachy.
3) What lasting impression would you like to leave on people that you meet at work, and in your social life:
Currently I see myself as 'that chick with the strange looking cat', whereas a label more like, 'that chick with the strange looking cat who's, like, super cool and as hot as a beaver in a sauna' would be pretty damn sweet.
So, I guess we'll see how it goes - of course, I'll attempt to update you on my transformation.
The pre-course work involved answering the following questions. I have given you my answers in order for you to gauge an adequate idea of what I will be doing, and indeed how I will change, over the next 2 days:
1) Describe an area in your life where you would like to be more effective - this can be work related, or something from your personal life:
I feel that while I am highly effective in some areas of my life, others are in need of fine tuning. Some areas that I would like to focus on are; ironing, folding fitted sheets, washing dishes, sweeping and washing the floors and being able to position a tissue up my nose so as to completely stop the flow of snot brought on by the recent lurgy I have suffered.
2) What areas of work would you like to improve, and be more effective in:
Well, considering I've done a mammoth term of 2 weeks, I'd quite like to be more effective in knowing stuff. If it's at all possible for me to transplant my bosses brain into my head, that'd be just peachy.
3) What lasting impression would you like to leave on people that you meet at work, and in your social life:
Currently I see myself as 'that chick with the strange looking cat', whereas a label more like, 'that chick with the strange looking cat who's, like, super cool and as hot as a beaver in a sauna' would be pretty damn sweet.
So, I guess we'll see how it goes - of course, I'll attempt to update you on my transformation.
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Slightly Connected
Hello! What's this? A mid-week blog? Have we gone back in time? No. I've just managed to get an early mark and feel like I actually have the energy to write something.
An early mark was prescribed to collect my new computer from dell. It's beautiful! I just wanna touch it and stuff... But, I'm not touching it until the Geek arrives. I've decided that I can't possibly set up a home wireless network with three computers on my own, so I have asked for a Geek! You know - the 'geeks2u' service. So we'll see if they can sort it out.
I quite like the idea of hiring a geek to visit me at home... it's almost like an escort... I know I can't "do" anything with him, but you know, I can pretend. And hey, maybe the geek that comes to 'hook me up' will be a single, attractive and rugged looking geek...? You never know. And I don't think I'm that fussy anyway. The only requirements I have for a man are, a) he doesn't lie, b) he tells me the truth at all times, c) he isn't a drug addict [or an addict of anything] and d) he likes pussies. Cats. You know. Colin.
So I guess when I'm done with the geek - when he's made my connection - sourced my wires - rebooted my hard drive - fiddled with my settings ... maybe then I will blog again and let you know how it all went.
An early mark was prescribed to collect my new computer from dell. It's beautiful! I just wanna touch it and stuff... But, I'm not touching it until the Geek arrives. I've decided that I can't possibly set up a home wireless network with three computers on my own, so I have asked for a Geek! You know - the 'geeks2u' service. So we'll see if they can sort it out.
I quite like the idea of hiring a geek to visit me at home... it's almost like an escort... I know I can't "do" anything with him, but you know, I can pretend. And hey, maybe the geek that comes to 'hook me up' will be a single, attractive and rugged looking geek...? You never know. And I don't think I'm that fussy anyway. The only requirements I have for a man are, a) he doesn't lie, b) he tells me the truth at all times, c) he isn't a drug addict [or an addict of anything] and d) he likes pussies. Cats. You know. Colin.
So I guess when I'm done with the geek - when he's made my connection - sourced my wires - rebooted my hard drive - fiddled with my settings ... maybe then I will blog again and let you know how it all went.
Saturday, 23 August 2008
Still Alive
Well, I'm still here - contrary to popular opinion. New job is great but as you have probably noticed is keeping me very busy. In fact, today is Saturday but I'm going into the office. (This is purely a trip in to make sure that a connect was achieved last night and my book orders went through. I will only be there for 5 minutes. Hopefully.)
Then I'm going shopping and then I'm going out with my little Chappy!! Hooray for Chappers!
Life without Chappers and Roy is a little dull, but thankfully the outlook is positive in the new office. Scowser and Twoface are keeping me fairly amused, and my ever growing affection for Tiny is encouraging. Who are these people? They are my new colleagues.
The car is exciting - I may have mentioned the fact that I get a company car - well, it's huge. I swear I could fit 2 Jaydens in it's boot. The new Car is called Job. Yes - as in the Book of Job in the bible. I didn't choose his name so don't blame me. And I'm getting rid of him in March for a less religious car. Little Jayden is most likely being sold on Monday - the money is just being finalised. Poor little Jayden is going to a P Plater, so no doubt his stereo will be cranked and his wing mirrors will be lost in time.
Speaking of things that I love being lost - has anybody else had a disturbing reaction to the story of Colin the baby whale? (Aside: Did anybody else notice that Colin is becoming a very popular name? I totally started that.) I have not been able to watch the news due to work hours, and I'm glad. Every time I even start to think about poor little Colin the whale snuggling up to the yachts trying to find milk, my eyes well up and a severe pout develops on my face. Is it because he's a poor defenseless creature who is now being left in the incapable hands of a lesser mammal that's possibly far too quick to pull out the lethal injection and clean up the problem? No - it's because his name is Colin - images of my Colin snuggling up to a statue or a tree, thinking it's me and then being put down, are rife. It's horrific, to say the least.
Ok people - I'll attempt to write during the week, but I don't see how it's going to be possible as the coming week will be busier than the last. Ho hum - such is the life of a worker.
Then I'm going shopping and then I'm going out with my little Chappy!! Hooray for Chappers!
Life without Chappers and Roy is a little dull, but thankfully the outlook is positive in the new office. Scowser and Twoface are keeping me fairly amused, and my ever growing affection for Tiny is encouraging. Who are these people? They are my new colleagues.
The car is exciting - I may have mentioned the fact that I get a company car - well, it's huge. I swear I could fit 2 Jaydens in it's boot. The new Car is called Job. Yes - as in the Book of Job in the bible. I didn't choose his name so don't blame me. And I'm getting rid of him in March for a less religious car. Little Jayden is most likely being sold on Monday - the money is just being finalised. Poor little Jayden is going to a P Plater, so no doubt his stereo will be cranked and his wing mirrors will be lost in time.
Speaking of things that I love being lost - has anybody else had a disturbing reaction to the story of Colin the baby whale? (Aside: Did anybody else notice that Colin is becoming a very popular name? I totally started that.) I have not been able to watch the news due to work hours, and I'm glad. Every time I even start to think about poor little Colin the whale snuggling up to the yachts trying to find milk, my eyes well up and a severe pout develops on my face. Is it because he's a poor defenseless creature who is now being left in the incapable hands of a lesser mammal that's possibly far too quick to pull out the lethal injection and clean up the problem? No - it's because his name is Colin - images of my Colin snuggling up to a statue or a tree, thinking it's me and then being put down, are rife. It's horrific, to say the least.
Ok people - I'll attempt to write during the week, but I don't see how it's going to be possible as the coming week will be busier than the last. Ho hum - such is the life of a worker.
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Episode IV: A New Hope
Yes, it's another new beginning for Bazza. Starting over again and again until I get it right. Think of me as Han Solo - flying around the universe in a haze of self-obsession, destined to be happy one day but forever flying into trouble and mischief along the way.
Tomorrow I start my new job. Fate has kindly come to take away my current spaceship; Jayden. He will belong to a new captain in a few short days, I am assured. Finances are just being sorted. My new Spaceship arrives tomorrow afternoon. Of course, I won't know his name until I meet him, but I'll be sure to introduce you.
I am kind of excited about the new job, but also apprehensive. Only because it's so damned important that I do a fantastic job. I'm gonna be so focused and disciplined - I might be a little scary. But it's ok - Colin's used to it and I don't really give a shit.
So, I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow, and hopefully, as per my recent predictions, Episode's V and VI will be postponed indefinitely.
Tomorrow I start my new job. Fate has kindly come to take away my current spaceship; Jayden. He will belong to a new captain in a few short days, I am assured. Finances are just being sorted. My new Spaceship arrives tomorrow afternoon. Of course, I won't know his name until I meet him, but I'll be sure to introduce you.
I am kind of excited about the new job, but also apprehensive. Only because it's so damned important that I do a fantastic job. I'm gonna be so focused and disciplined - I might be a little scary. But it's ok - Colin's used to it and I don't really give a shit.
So, I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow, and hopefully, as per my recent predictions, Episode's V and VI will be postponed indefinitely.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Handover
This is officially my last full day at work - tomorrow will largely be spent clearing things out and drinking too much. So, in order to make sure that my most prized legacies and possessions in this job are handed over effectively, and carried forth into a successful future, I write my Handover:
Day-to-Day tasks:
Being the Government Account Manager is a tough job. Working 20 hours a week is sometimes called for, and in these times of difficulty it is important to assure all friends that you will be back on Facebook by the end of the day. It's not fair to keep them hanging on while you do your job, so please keep them in mind.
It is also important to let your family know of your revised working hours. The average is a 9 - 4 day, but more often than not, you will be required to leave the office for home at about 3pm. The majority of your tasks can be completed between the hours of 10 and 11am, so bear this in mind when organising social functions and "meetings".
Internal Contacts:
From now on, your priority is Chappers. She is now the most important thing in your life, for without her you cannot enjoy the flexibility of this role. If it weren't for her, you'd probably be working 9-5; and I mean, actual WORK during ALL of those hours. Nobody wants that to happen, so keep Chappers happy.
Another consideration is your new neighbour, Roy. It is vital to keep him on his toes. There are various ways you can achieve this but my favourites are:
Punching
Yelling
Crying
Screaming
Kicking
Pointing and Laughing
Feel free to add your own methods into the mix - he gets bored pretty easily and truly does appreciate the 'banter'. Also, don't let him eat too many lollies; they're bad for him and they send him a little bit spastic too. (Note: Only allow him sugar-free beverages.)
And that's pretty much it. Anything I haven't mentioned is most likely something you can do with your eyes closed and your finger up your bum. (Roy is really good at this actually, so if you find yourself getting "stressed out", just take a leaf out of his book and go on the TAB site or look at some porn. Works a treat.)
Day-to-Day tasks:
Being the Government Account Manager is a tough job. Working 20 hours a week is sometimes called for, and in these times of difficulty it is important to assure all friends that you will be back on Facebook by the end of the day. It's not fair to keep them hanging on while you do your job, so please keep them in mind.
It is also important to let your family know of your revised working hours. The average is a 9 - 4 day, but more often than not, you will be required to leave the office for home at about 3pm. The majority of your tasks can be completed between the hours of 10 and 11am, so bear this in mind when organising social functions and "meetings".
Internal Contacts:
From now on, your priority is Chappers. She is now the most important thing in your life, for without her you cannot enjoy the flexibility of this role. If it weren't for her, you'd probably be working 9-5; and I mean, actual WORK during ALL of those hours. Nobody wants that to happen, so keep Chappers happy.
Another consideration is your new neighbour, Roy. It is vital to keep him on his toes. There are various ways you can achieve this but my favourites are:
Punching
Yelling
Crying
Screaming
Kicking
Pointing and Laughing
Feel free to add your own methods into the mix - he gets bored pretty easily and truly does appreciate the 'banter'. Also, don't let him eat too many lollies; they're bad for him and they send him a little bit spastic too. (Note: Only allow him sugar-free beverages.)
And that's pretty much it. Anything I haven't mentioned is most likely something you can do with your eyes closed and your finger up your bum. (Roy is really good at this actually, so if you find yourself getting "stressed out", just take a leaf out of his book and go on the TAB site or look at some porn. Works a treat.)
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