This is The End

No - I'm not quoting a song by The Doors. This IS the end. I have decided, after months of not writing anything on here, that I don't need it anymore.

I've tried to write on here, I've wanted to write on here, but I've had nothing to complain about! I think that the main reason this is so is the recent cleansing of my life. I changed jobs and simultaneously got rid of one of the most important people in my life. But you see, I realised that he is NOT important at all, and without him my life is 100% more effective. I am a much happier, less erratic person. I used to suffer from what I thought was horrific PMT, but it was HIM!! He made me behave like a lunatic and a wailing banshee and now he's gone, I'm normal again!

In short, I am at peace with life, juice shops, salad bars, colleagues, politics... You name it; I don't have an opinion on it. And that's the way I like it.

:)

Chicken

I am watching a programme on battery chickens. surely the solution lies with the consumer? I don't understand why they make free range non-battery eggs more expensive than the battery farmed ones?

We all need to stop buying the battery farmed eggs so that the battery farms aren't able to produce their battery eggs anymore. And then they need to reduce the cost of free range eggs. It's a simple fucking solution, but why aren't we doing it? I have encountered people who don't give a shit about anything and it's these people who we need to kick in the balls and shove out the door.

An acquaintance of mine used to say that he didn't give a shit about trees being chopped down, even thought he was a staunch advocate of the RSPCA's. I tried to explain to him that animals live in trees and forests that are being destroyed, but he just didn't care. It's these people who buy battery eggs because they cost less, and it is these people who need to wake up and smell the death.

Unfortunately, you can't improve humanity.

Swallowing Dates

Boo - it's almost Monday. That sucks many kinds of balls, I'm sure you'll agree. So, what shall I do to make myself feel a little better? I'll keep denying the fact that I do kind of need to start thinking about work again, and I'll stuff my face full of dates because it's the only thing I have in my house that is vaguely sweet.

I am SO good at not buying junk food when I'm at the supermarket, and then it all falls apart when I suffer incredible cravings for sweet things. I end up doing really stupid things, like dipping my finger in the honey jar, or, as mentioned above, pigging out on copious amounts of dried fruit.

Does anybody know what happens when you eat a shit load of fibre? 'Shit load' being the operative phrase there...

Onto less nasty subjects - am I the only person in the world who finds it very difficult to understand the sporting people in this country? Let me give you an example: League Players and their coaches. When was the last time you actually understood what one of them said? I actually think that Wayne Bennett IS speaking another language - I don't even recognise any of the sounds that come out of his mouth. I'm thinking that maybe this is a side effect of too many high tackles - but the phenomenon does not extend to AFL players - I can understand them just fine.

Hmmm - I've run out of dates...

Ok, so anyway, thank you, Toes, for a lovely BBQ and some very fine garlic yesterday - it's almost like I could taste the goodness when I woke up this morning! I apologise for having to leave with only 3 drinks under my belt, but you see, I am a pussy. I think I have decided that I can't actually handle hangovers - at least, temporarily. While I am still getting used to being a very busy working person, I can't risk wasting one of my weekend days feeling like death.

So, as I sit and munch on my dates and wait for Colin to come over for "cuddle time", I realise that I am destined to be a loser for a little while longer - at least until my job gets less frighteningly busy.

It's all good...

Don't worry - I haven't died due to workload. In fact, I have actually got used to it! Now having less than 6 meetings in a day seems odd. So, it's all good.

What's also 'all good' is everything. That's right - EVERYTHING. Due to some rather unfortunate circumstances I have had a moment of enlightenment to do with an apparent friend of mine. This friend has made it quite clear in the past two weeks (through an absolute lack of contact) that he does not want to be friends with me.

To be frank, it's made my job a hell of a lot easier. You see, the lack of contact has actually given me some much needed perspective! I've realised that I don't want to be friends with him! I've even gone one step further and can now say that my life is 100% better without him. It's like a weight has been lifted and replaced with a small amount of pity. I pity him due to the fact that he's quite clearly destined to live a miserable life with nobody who he can confide in or feel completely at ease with. He has set this up for himself so has nobody else to blame but himself - which makes the situation he's in all the more pitiable.

I was once part of his life of lies, but now I am free of it. And if anybody asks me anything about his sordid and debaucherous life, I will freely tell all if I feel like it.

But to be honest, right now, I don't want to waste any more of my precious time thinking, let alone speaking, of him. I feel sorry for him and the pain of my sorrow is not something that I deserve. So let it be known - I no longer associate with liars and I only have time for the truth.

What a release!

24 / 4 = 0

Well fans, it's been a while. I was up in Cairnsville this week - largeing it up with the north qld massive, innit. It was pleasant enough. Planes suck. So do hotels. But hey - it was all free. Now, don't get me wrong - this weren't no holiday. I worked my fat arse off. I did 24 meetings in 4 days. That's got to be some kind of world record. It has paid off though. I'm a popular salesperson.

It's all about short sentences today. Brain is tired. I am tired. Colin is cranky cos he misses Toes and Co. I am SO very glad it's the weekend. When you work this hard during the week you almost cry with the anticipation of a night's sleep, let alone 2 days off!

I'm going for dinner with Chappsy Wappsy tomorrow - hooray! I'm sure there'll be plenty to catch up on - we haven't talked in, like, weeks! How exciting.

Um, so I should have warned you that my brain can't work properly so the content of this blog is bound to suffer. In fact, you probably shouldn't have even bothered reading this. Well done if you did. If you did, you might just understand the equation outlined in the title of this blog. It does, indeed, equal NOTHING.

Did I say... effective...?

I'm sorry - did I possibly make the gigantic assumption that I would be leaving this course a more effective and well rounded individual? Did I also allude to the thought that my new colleagues are intelligent people...? Well fuck me backwards and call me Tuesday - what a dumb-fuck I was...

The "course" I have spent the day taking is nothing other than a ginormous piece of American, Evangelist, Self Empowering, Motivational, Self Help TRIPE. I've never tasted tripe of such disgusting rancidity. The first section of the day (4 hours and 34 minutes) was devoted to... wait for it... Shifting your paradigms.

Yes - apparently we all suffer under paradigms every day, and we fail in our lives due to the assumptions and actions that these paradigms necessarily inflict upon us. An example was given - joy! - which I shall translate:
I was sitting on a subway in New York and a man boarded, followed by his two children. The children were running up and down the train making a heap of noise and the man just sat and didn't do anything. So I asked him to keep his children under control, as I naturally assumed that he just had no regard for others on the train. He replied to me, 'Oh, I'm sorry, but my wife just died half an hour ago and they don't really know how to cope. Neither do I.' I was overcome with such compassion and guilt, and I realised that my paradigms had just been shifted.

My response to this? No. Your fucking paradigms haven't been shifted - you were just caught with your holier than thou foot in your god damned mouth and you wanted to blame the feeling of stupidity on a quasi-psychological sounding issue. You're trying to massage your ego and now you want us to massage ours by admitting similar 'shifts'.

This bullshit was followed by instructions on how to write a "Personal Mission Statement". We were shown a video as inspiration - the video involved a series of snapshots of families, children, happy people running on the beach, old married couples and a bunch of words rolling across the screen in time to excessively cheesy music, like "happy to be alive", "in love", "satisfied", "commitment", "complete". Then the video stopped and (after vomiting a little in my mouth) we were instructed to 'just write down your feelings'. Mine went a little like this: "Fucking pile of hippy wank - fuck off with your self-righteous mumbo jumbo bullshit and go back to your jesus-loving piece of crap homeland you mother fucking american arse licking cocksuckers.'

The anger I expressed was more than anything I've felt in a while and to start with, I was slightly ashamed. But I did what I always do when I'm faced with an 'am I being emotionally retarded and too cynical or is everybody around me just a dumb bastard' moment, and I went and asked my mum.

She confirmed: Bazza - I'd have told them to go and play with themselves.

I love you mum.

Personally Effective

Today I am embarking upon a course. Accompanying me on this course are 7 of my new colleagues from around the country. Some of them have been there for years, some for a few weeks, but all are in need of achieving complete Personal Effectiveness.

The pre-course work involved answering the following questions. I have given you my answers in order for you to gauge an adequate idea of what I will be doing, and indeed how I will change, over the next 2 days:

1) Describe an area in your life where you would like to be more effective - this can be work related, or something from your personal life:
I feel that while I am highly effective in some areas of my life, others are in need of fine tuning. Some areas that I would like to focus on are; ironing, folding fitted sheets, washing dishes, sweeping and washing the floors and being able to position a tissue up my nose so as to completely stop the flow of snot brought on by the recent lurgy I have suffered.

2) What areas of work would you like to improve, and be more effective in:
Well, considering I've done a mammoth term of 2 weeks, I'd quite like to be more effective in knowing stuff. If it's at all possible for me to transplant my bosses brain into my head, that'd be just peachy.

3) What lasting impression would you like to leave on people that you meet at work, and in your social life:
Currently I see myself as 'that chick with the strange looking cat', whereas a label more like, 'that chick with the strange looking cat who's, like, super cool and as hot as a beaver in a sauna' would be pretty damn sweet.

So, I guess we'll see how it goes - of course, I'll attempt to update you on my transformation.

Slightly Connected

Hello! What's this? A mid-week blog? Have we gone back in time? No. I've just managed to get an early mark and feel like I actually have the energy to write something.

An early mark was prescribed to collect my new computer from dell. It's beautiful! I just wanna touch it and stuff... But, I'm not touching it until the Geek arrives. I've decided that I can't possibly set up a home wireless network with three computers on my own, so I have asked for a Geek! You know - the 'geeks2u' service. So we'll see if they can sort it out.

I quite like the idea of hiring a geek to visit me at home... it's almost like an escort... I know I can't "do" anything with him, but you know, I can pretend. And hey, maybe the geek that comes to 'hook me up' will be a single, attractive and rugged looking geek...? You never know. And I don't think I'm that fussy anyway. The only requirements I have for a man are, a) he doesn't lie, b) he tells me the truth at all times, c) he isn't a drug addict [or an addict of anything] and d) he likes pussies. Cats. You know. Colin.

So I guess when I'm done with the geek - when he's made my connection - sourced my wires - rebooted my hard drive - fiddled with my settings ... maybe then I will blog again and let you know how it all went.

Still Alive

Well, I'm still here - contrary to popular opinion. New job is great but as you have probably noticed is keeping me very busy. In fact, today is Saturday but I'm going into the office. (This is purely a trip in to make sure that a connect was achieved last night and my book orders went through. I will only be there for 5 minutes. Hopefully.)

Then I'm going shopping and then I'm going out with my little Chappy!! Hooray for Chappers!

Life without Chappers and Roy is a little dull, but thankfully the outlook is positive in the new office. Scowser and Twoface are keeping me fairly amused, and my ever growing affection for Tiny is encouraging. Who are these people? They are my new colleagues.

The car is exciting - I may have mentioned the fact that I get a company car - well, it's huge. I swear I could fit 2 Jaydens in it's boot. The new Car is called Job. Yes - as in the Book of Job in the bible. I didn't choose his name so don't blame me. And I'm getting rid of him in March for a less religious car. Little Jayden is most likely being sold on Monday - the money is just being finalised. Poor little Jayden is going to a P Plater, so no doubt his stereo will be cranked and his wing mirrors will be lost in time.

Speaking of things that I love being lost - has anybody else had a disturbing reaction to the story of Colin the baby whale? (Aside: Did anybody else notice that Colin is becoming a very popular name? I totally started that.) I have not been able to watch the news due to work hours, and I'm glad. Every time I even start to think about poor little Colin the whale snuggling up to the yachts trying to find milk, my eyes well up and a severe pout develops on my face. Is it because he's a poor defenseless creature who is now being left in the incapable hands of a lesser mammal that's possibly far too quick to pull out the lethal injection and clean up the problem? No - it's because his name is Colin - images of my Colin snuggling up to a statue or a tree, thinking it's me and then being put down, are rife. It's horrific, to say the least.

Ok people - I'll attempt to write during the week, but I don't see how it's going to be possible as the coming week will be busier than the last. Ho hum - such is the life of a worker.

Episode IV: A New Hope

Yes, it's another new beginning for Bazza. Starting over again and again until I get it right. Think of me as Han Solo - flying around the universe in a haze of self-obsession, destined to be happy one day but forever flying into trouble and mischief along the way.

Tomorrow I start my new job. Fate has kindly come to take away my current spaceship; Jayden. He will belong to a new captain in a few short days, I am assured. Finances are just being sorted. My new Spaceship arrives tomorrow afternoon. Of course, I won't know his name until I meet him, but I'll be sure to introduce you.

I am kind of excited about the new job, but also apprehensive. Only because it's so damned important that I do a fantastic job. I'm gonna be so focused and disciplined - I might be a little scary. But it's ok - Colin's used to it and I don't really give a shit.

So, I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow, and hopefully, as per my recent predictions, Episode's V and VI will be postponed indefinitely.

Handover

This is officially my last full day at work - tomorrow will largely be spent clearing things out and drinking too much. So, in order to make sure that my most prized legacies and possessions in this job are handed over effectively, and carried forth into a successful future, I write my Handover:

Day-to-Day tasks:
Being the Government Account Manager is a tough job. Working 20 hours a week is sometimes called for, and in these times of difficulty it is important to assure all friends that you will be back on Facebook by the end of the day. It's not fair to keep them hanging on while you do your job, so please keep them in mind.
It is also important to let your family know of your revised working hours. The average is a 9 - 4 day, but more often than not, you will be required to leave the office for home at about 3pm. The majority of your tasks can be completed between the hours of 10 and 11am, so bear this in mind when organising social functions and "meetings".

Internal Contacts:
From now on, your priority is Chappers. She is now the most important thing in your life, for without her you cannot enjoy the flexibility of this role. If it weren't for her, you'd probably be working 9-5; and I mean, actual WORK during ALL of those hours. Nobody wants that to happen, so keep Chappers happy.
Another consideration is your new neighbour, Roy. It is vital to keep him on his toes. There are various ways you can achieve this but my favourites are:
Punching
Yelling
Crying
Screaming
Kicking
Pointing and Laughing
Feel free to add your own methods into the mix - he gets bored pretty easily and truly does appreciate the 'banter'. Also, don't let him eat too many lollies; they're bad for him and they send him a little bit spastic too. (Note: Only allow him sugar-free beverages.)

And that's pretty much it. Anything I haven't mentioned is most likely something you can do with your eyes closed and your finger up your bum. (Roy is really good at this actually, so if you find yourself getting "stressed out", just take a leaf out of his book and go on the TAB site or look at some porn. Works a treat.)

Shitty

I'm a little bit shitty today - no, I'm not talking about my bowel movements; they're fine thanks - I'm talking about my general mood.

I'm shitty cos it's cold and I don't seem to have warm enough clothes and refuse to wear gloves in this country. So I can barely type cos my little fingers are frozen.

I'm shitty cos I've got one week (and a day) left of work and then I have to say bye bye to my lovely Chappers. I think I'll cry.

I'm shitty cos the man in the office who calls us "girls" and refuses to learn our names STILL hasn't got the hint - even though I yelled "WE'VE GOT NAMES!!!!" at him the other day.

I'm shitty cos I weighed myself at the gym this morning and I've put on weight AGAIN. It's a total of 4kg in the last 2 months and I don't know why it's happening! Maybe it's muscle, cos I've been doing more weights than cardio - or maybe it's the wine...

I'm shitty cos the wine seems to be making me put on weight, and it's the only thing that's currently keeping me from sending an email to my current CEO telling him how fucking shit this company is.

Now I'm shitty cos I can't think of anything else that I'm shitty about.

Fuck.

Vapid

Manager from WA just left and she didn't even say goodbye to me. Seriously - had her back to me the majority of the time. Fucking whore. To make matters worse, she's the most insipid, lacklustre, vapid waste of space I've ever had the misfortune to encounter. And to think that she felt she was so far above me that she didn't even have to say goodbye - when I'm leaving the fucking company in two weeks and she won't see me ever again - not even a fucking thank you for all the fucking money I've brought in to this fuck-hole company. Seriously - she's appalling. She couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel and she has the balls to try and tell us how to run our office and what to do when we're more fucking capable than her at everything. Fuck.

So, now that I've vented, I am feeling much more relaxed. I'm going out tonight to eat a shit load of red meat and ice cream. Yessss... and I need a wine before then. And that's it.

Shhhh!

I may have mentioned to some of you that I put on 2kg while I was in Sydney. It was fun accumulating that, so I don't want to retract it at all - I would just like to slowly lose it, and a bit.

4kg is my aim. And healthy eating and exercise is my game. Is there any other way? Thing is, I'm having to really push myself - I'm aiming to go to the gym twice a day 3 times a week, and once a day for the other days. So tonight, I am going to the gym in the evening - this is a MAJOR DEAL because usually evening time is devoted to Colin. But not today.

My decision to sacrifice ColinTime for Gym is partly due to Colin's behaviour this morning. He woke me up at 4:30am, which was a whole 40 mins before my alarm was due to go off. Added to my feeling of frustration over this, is the PMT that is slowly but surely brewing inside me. As I'm sure you can imagine, I am now feeling slightly frustrated and am possibly taking it out on NewColleague who won't stop talking.

Seriously - she just doesn't stop. (Slight exaggeration.) It's like she feels the need to comment on absolutely everything. She can't find her mobile phone for a whole 2 seconds so she verbalises it. She doesn't know what time it is and verbalises this in the 3 seconds it takes to pull back her sleeve and look at her watch. You get the picture?

Grrr I'm getting crankier by the minute. My gym session this evening will be much needed - I only did a Body Balance class this morning so I need some more exercise.

Oh, and p.s. I'm slowly beginning to realise that I'm really gonna miss my little Chappers (and Roy - a little). Oh, and I'm sorry! NewColleague has something to say so I'll stop what I'm doing and give her my undivided attention...

Eco-Ambitions

Well, I think I've pretty much decided that in March I am going to choose the Subaru Forrester instead of the environmentally wonderful Toyota Prius Hybrid. I have made this decision for varying social and selfish reasons, and feel slightly bad about the damage that my 4WD will be doing to the environment. So, I have been doing some research and have added to my previously environmentally conscious pool of knowledge to create a list of things that I will be doing as of NOW in order to reduce my carbon footprint and make up for the incredibly horrific effect that my 4WD will no doubt have on the world around us.

Knitting:
Instead of going out and buying woolly blankets and jumpers and stuff, and instead of turning my heating on when it gets cold at night, I'm going to start knitting things to keep me and Colin warm. It rarely gets below 10 degrees at night time, even in the dead of winter, so I don't think this is too unreasonable of the greenkateers to ask. (The greenkateers are those people who write about how green their house is, and how they don't have a carbon footprint anymore, and how they're actually saving the planet just by existing...)

Meat Free Day:
As I have been instructed by my doctor that I actually medically need to consume meat to stay healthy and functioning, I will give up meat every Monday. This is to help lessen the impact that agriculture has on our environment, and to possibly save some lovely little cows who poo near trees to help them grow and take the carbon dioxide out of the air. *nod*

Compost:
I've started this already - I've been saving my vegetable and fruit scraps for a while and have now purchased a bin from Bunnings into which I have put said scraps. Tomorrow I will be adding some paper and soil to start the composting process going. I also hope to own a worm farm soon.

Gardening:
I already grow a shit load of herbs, but have added to this by deforesting the weeds in a garden bed down the sunny side of my house and it is now my 'veggie garden'. I will be buying tomatoes and ... haven't thought about what other veggies... maybe leeks, and yes, I shall then be able to source my own, in season, organic food.

Microfibre Cloths:
Apparently, with the use of vinegar and baking powder in place of detergents, these clean all surfaces and areas of the house effectively. They reduce the stuff that, um, normal cloths do, to the environment. And stuff...

Organic:
I will not only try to eat more organic food, but I will also try to buy organic clothes. Yes - apparently Target stocks an organic range now! So yes. I'll look fabulous...

And there we have it. I will be greener by the day and my Subaru Forrester 4WD will simply fade into the background and all will be well. I'll be able to frolic in fields of organic daisies with the greenkateers within a year, I think.

Dry

This weekend is a bit of a problem in my head at the moment. I've had an invite to meet with a guy that I've known by email for a couple of months now. He seems really nice and normal but I just don't know if I can be fucked going to meet him! Plus, I don't really want to spend any money or leave the house at all. It's raining, you see, and that means that Brisbane becomes a city in which nobody knows how to drive, no shoes keep your feet dry and no jacket is warm enough to keep out the 19 degree cold.

You see my predicament? I think I might email him and tell him I'm too busy this weekend (cos really, he left it until today to ask me out and that's clearly not enough notice for anybody. I need at least 48 hours to prepare myself for being social.

Unless he wants to see a movie... oh hang on. No. I should have learnt from the cinema-groper of last month.

Meh. Today leaves no balls unsucked.

Streamlining

Some of my friends have been talking about streamlining their lives. Getting rid of Facebook and blogs, deleting old emails, throwing out unused make up and basically clearing up the clutter, both physically and mentally. I like the idea of it. I begin to wonder whether my current employer is doing the same thing...

Redneck in my office is about to resign, which will mean that we have gone from a team of 12 to a team of 4 in not very long at all. But, it is a positive thing I think. Redneck leaving is definitely a positive thing - what an incredible waste of space he is...

This weekend I am going to be arranging my new home office for my new job. I'll be set up with broadband and a printer and stuff soon, so I need to change the rooms around. Colin's bedroom will now become the office, and the current office will now become Colin's bedroom. I think he's now at the age where he can't have unlimited access to every room in the house, and the new office will be MY SPACE.

Oooh, and I'm finally gonna purchase my ultimate favourite drawing of all time by M C Escher and put it on the wall by my new home-desk:

50% You

I just resigned! Went to new job this morning to sign the contract. AND I found out that I'll be getting a Holden Commodore! And then in March I can choose from a Prius Hybrid, Subaru Forrester, Holden Commodore or a Toyota Aurion! I think I'll go for the Hybrid one, cos I care about the environment and all.

So, my resignation went down well and I am now officially sering 4 weeks notice! I told my boss that he made up 50% of my decision to leave, citing his bad management skills and inability to recognise the fact that I have a brain, skills and talent outside of bringing in the money.

Aphua Watch ended well - I left her in the possibly-capable hands of 'Number 20' - her boyfriend. I have also put on 2 kg, due to the eating I had to do on behalf of Aphua. I am on a diet, which will be temporarily suspended tomorrow night when I'll be going out to celebrate with Chappers and Veuve Clicquot!! Hooray! I know you're jealous... and you should be.

Aphua Watch: Non-Solids

Aphua Watch is going well. Yesterday was the day of the amputation and it appeared to go well. She has been able to eat non-solid foods such as yogurt, soup, mashed potato and scrambled eggs. I have largely been consuming non-solids too, or at the very least, food which doesn't involve a lot of chewing. I don't want to make her jealous with my mastication.

In other news, Colin is doing well - Toes, perhaps you would like to leave a comment of your own to confirm this...? Thank you.

Something rather exciting happened yesterday - I received an official offer of employment for the job of my dreams! The only down side is it involves a slight pay cut. But seriously, this doesn't even matter. It's such a great job, and the woman (new boss) was super happy I said yes. Yes - I said yes. Alas, I will have to sell little Jayden as this new job provides me with a fully maintained company vehicle. Anybody wanna buy a beautiful little 2007 Holden Barina? He's black, and lovely. 3 door hatch. 1.6 litre engine. Tinted windows. HOT.

Ok, Aphua and I are going to Newtown today, to the ice cream factory!! I thought I must have put on a shitload of weight, but I'm wearing my size 11 jeans and they still fit nicely. I also bought a Sooty T-Shirt! It's the coolest thing ever. I might be buying a Rainbow Brite hoody jumper too! Hooray!

Ok - Aphua duties call. (P.S. She loved the Valium - thanks ma!)

Aphua Watch: Prelude

I'm going to sydney this arvo!! To see my little Aphua!! Hooray! Of course, my lovely Chappers is going to be sorely missed, as is my little cherub, Colin.

BUT - you'll all be pleased to know that Colin is being very kindly looked after by my good friend Toes. Her and the Dobbosaurus are going to be playing with him and cuddling him endlessly I'm sure. It was very hard leaving him there last night, but Toes is a clever little thing and plied me with chicken caesar salad and white wine. I almost forgot that Colin was there at all!

So, starting tomorrow I'm officially on Aphua Watch. Blog updates may be sporadic due to the nature of my role whilst in Sydney, but I appreciate the concern you must all be feeling for Aphua so I will attempt to be as communicative as possible.

Tomorrow will be the day of Feeding in preparation for the Amputation.

Getting Warmer

Ok, so yesterday was the day of the Second Date. As you may remember, the First Date went well and I decided that English blokes are better than Aussie blokes. But, I left the date feeling somewhat unsure as to my intentions for him. I gave him a half-arsed kiss on the cheek with my hands in my pockets, by way of showing that I am not a hooker and won't drop my pants. This gave him 'mixed signals', and I had to initiate the Second Date.

It was last night. He is shy. I am not. So I had to calm myself down a little and be quite... um... reassuring? Basically I asked lots of questions and was super nice and smiley and stuff, and then by the end of it he was a teeny tiny bit less awkward and shy and I reckon he's actually quite a nice guy.

This is the conclusion that I keep coming to - he's a Nice Guy. More on that later, I'm sure...

So, it ended in a car park. In the days of my youth it would have started in the car park, so this was good. I moved in closer, said 'so if you wanna email or call me that'd be nice...' and he said 'great' and gave me a kiss on the cheek, as before. But this time, I lingered somewhat and may have casually touched his arm. Ooooooh how rude.... not.

Seriously - I've never been quite so virginal as I am with this guy, and I'm quite enjoying it! He probably thinks I'm relatively innocent! Hahahaha the poor lad...

Ulcerout

It has come to my attention that some men use Facebook for perving. The guy who sits behind me at work openly admits that he likes to sit and perve at people photos, specifically looking for attractive women to look at. He has also admitted to particularly looking at a colleague's pictures.

This colleague is attractive, yes, but is also engaged and a very nice person. She certainly doesn't deserve to be ogled at by a great lumbering idiot like him. It makes me wanna puke.

He's doing it now - and he calls over the other bloke in the pod when he finds a particularly attractive one... "Do you know her?" - I ask; does it matter? Even if he did know her, I'm next to certain that she wouldn't condone his perving.

I had a very successful meeting last night, with a friend and advisor. I now have a clearer sense of what I'm doing and where I'm going. This new job is definitely something I have to do - it's vital. I've figured that I have made a very good friend in this office, so it's not like I'd be leaving having achieved nothing. I've lost the passion for my job, so I need something new. I'm excited, but I kind of just want it to be done and dusted. I've gotta write this report for the second stage of selection... and I'm kind of stuck as to where to start!

Ok - peppermint tea is the go now. Let's get that ulcer thing out.

Lately...

Well, I've been offline for a little while haven't I... So, here's an update.

Firstly, I emailed english bloke - I figured that I liked him, and there's a good chance that I was too virginal on our date and possibly gave him the wrong impression. So now we're going to the movies this weekend! Which is perfect timing cos the new Batman movie is out. Sweet. I'm quite looking forward to that.

Um, also, I've well and truly entered into the job application process for a very special role which came up out of the blue. now don't get me wrong - there's not a lot wrong with my current company. It's just that sometimes something perfect comes up and you really just have to grab it. So I'm in the second stage now, which involves a report. Hooray! Hand it in on Friday so should find out by next week sometime.

What else... Oh! I've got a stomach ulcer! Spent the majority of the weekend being poorly, and went doctor yesterday and yes - that's what I've got. All very exciting, but not for my social life. Apparently alcohol is bad for it, as are dairy products and lemons. So that brandy soaked lemon meringue pie with ice cream is out.

I'm going to Sydney in 8 days for a whole week! I'm going to look after my good friend Aphua - she's getting a tooth amputated and a hole put in one of her sinuses. And then they're gonna plug it up! Coooool... She has internet though, so I shall update you all on the very exciting process of dental amputation recovery.

Ok ok...

After muchos requests I am now going to blog (belatedly) about my date last Friday with English Guy.

It went really well. We got on very well I think. He seems like a NORMAL PERSON - shock, horror. He gave me a kiss on the cheek (which is all I would allow; I'm a lady) and I went home with underwear on and reputation in tact.

He said he'd call me "mid-week". He then texted me when he got home and said he'd call me "mid-week".

Now, tell me if I'm mistaken, but is Wednesday not 'mid-week'? Yes - I think it is. And what day is it today? Oh! It's Thursday! So, has he called?

No.

Could it be that my first date with a normal, non-deformed, non-socially-stunted man whom I actually like turns out to reject ME?

Why Bazza - I believe this may bruise your ego...

Can't Shop, Won't Shop

I went shopping yesterday, and nothing fit. It was awful, but not my fault. It's the damned shops that change their sizing all the time. So whereas before, Jeans West shirts only fit me in a size 10, now even their size 12 is too small and won't button up over my boobs (which haven't grown). Fuckers.

And then I went shopping today and tried on about 12 pairs of Sass & Bide jeans, then finally found a pair that I liked and needed a slightly different size. Did they have it? No. So I tried on a few items of designer couture which were highly discounted for the sales - but they were all ugly.

I don't understand why it is that the first weekend I've had money to burn, in a very long time, I am apparently physically incapable of purchasing anything.

I even tried to go and spend money in my favourite place in the world - Borders bookstore. Could I find anything? NO. Now that was the sign - if I can't find a BOOK that I want to buy then there's seriously something wrong with me. So I went home.

And now I'm cooking a chicken - cos that tastes and looks good no matter what.

Back To Pink

Yesterday I bought some new nail polish. It's darker than what i usually wear. It's pink. And I don't like it.

It all comes down to how it makes me feel. And every time I see my hands I feel like a 40 year old woman who's hiding her wrinkles underneath a truck load of make up. You know the type - old hag, mutton dressed as lamb. I shall be taking it off before my date tonight.

Date? Tonight? How exciting!!

I know - I'm fairly excited. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say I'm about a 7. This is unusual for me, and I think it's purely due to the fact that he's English. You see, I haven't had much luck with Aussie guys, so I'm thinking if I go back to English it might work.

You never know.

Gingivitis

I've got another date this Friday. This time it's with an English man. Hopefully an English GENTLEman. I figure that I haven't had any luck with Australian men, so maybe that's where I've been going wrong?

Plus - this one supports Liverpool, whom we all know are the best team in the Premier League. Also, we're going for a curry, which is very much in my comfort zone. I won't be challenging him to a Phal eating competition just yet - don't wanna frighten the poor boy off - but I will feel a lot more relaxed in such a setting.

I've been told to give the previous guy (small appetite man) a second chance, but I don't like him. What's the point of second chancing someone if you just don't like them?

In the meantime, my hopes are high (but not too high) and I'm feeling more positive (but am retaining a small amount of pessimism) about the whole thing. Reckon we might be onto a winner.

But of course, I can't rule out the fact that he might be ginger. That's a big cause for concern.

Deathly Inclinations.

I had a dream last night that I was sick. And the woman in the pharmacy that I went to, to buy cold and flu tablets, wouldn't believe me that the signature on my credit card was the same as the one I signed, so she wouldn't give me the tablets.

So I killed her.

Aaaand I woke up and went to the gym and now I feel like I'm getting sick. But I will not be going to the pharmacy to get cold and flu tablets because I don't think I can risk the possibility that I will kill the pharmacy woman. So I'm drinking hot water with lemon juice, honey and cloves. It's pretty gross. And my feet are cold.

The good news is that my date on Friday wasn't completely horrific. It wasn't very good, but it also wasn't verging on tragedy and it didn't make me want to drown myself in a bathtub of gin. Needless to say, I won't be seeing him again - but it was very comforting to learn the next day that he wanted to see me again. I really don't understand it though - he showed absolutely no interest in anything I had to say, didn't ask me a single question and only let me get a starter because he has a small appetite. Meh.

At least I didn't kill him.

Foggy

Things are a little foggy here in Brisneyland today... the situation is having some kind of effect on my eyesight too. I've got a foggy blob in front of my right eye. It won't go away. But it's making things a little more interesting.

I won $3000 yesterday! A competition at work - I got the best revenue achievement or something last month. So hooray! My upcoming holiday in Sydney will be a corker.

I keep coming out with random english-like statements. Must be the fog.

Date tonight - I shall report tomorrow on how tragic/non-tragic it is. If anything, it's a free meal - that is, IF he pays. I'd piss myself if he didn't pay cos I've got fuck all money to pay for it. I'd do a runner for sure. I wonder if running away from dates will be something I'm renowned for one day...? At least tonight I'll be able to disappear into the fog like a 19th century villain... if only I had a trench coat.

Emptiness

So, my brain seems to have gone into a state of 'I really don't give a fuck anymore' with this dating thing. I am so disillusioned with it all that I'm pretty much just accepting dates left, right and centre, with no real thought as to who the person is, what they want or where they're likely to take me. You know why? Because things just can't possibly get worse.

Think about it - I've had 3 horrific dates in the last however long. The last one was on such a level of horrific that I'm still not quite recovered from the fit of laughter/shock that it caused. So, I know that a date can't be worse than that.

In an attempt to improve my hit rate, I'm going to go on a date this Friday with a man who appears to be northern european. He likes Devon Rex cats and his name is Christian, so I'm thinking he can't be too bad. There are also 2 others who seem relatively normal, so I might just test them out too. I don't care if I'm not going into it with the right attitude - my heart has literally had enough; it can't take any more emotions and it can't be fucked to get excited about anything. So I'll go, and treat the dates like a job interview, and see if any of them are good enough to be shortlisted.

Odd

I think I'm sick of apologising for my nature - for my natural way of being. My mum described the situation to me this morning - she said: "Bazza, ordinarily people are able to see that somebody is different; they can see the fact that they've only got one leg or that they're blind. But with you, you look relatively normal. Nobody can see that you're actually different."

She's right. So as long as I surround myself with people who appreciate the fact that I'm different, then I'll be fine. The problem arises when I befriend people who think I'm abnormal and will change one day, and that I need to change. My message is clear:

I am different. I think weirdly. I do things and say things that are not usually socially acceptable. I need people to be tolerant of this. Equally, I need to learn to be tolerant of the fact that some people can't, and won't, grasp my difference and will always see me as a little 'broken'.

State-ment.

I have decided that it's not right to make decisions when you have PMT. So, I will hold off from making my unknown and unidentified decision until after this weekend.

Speaking of this weekend, I am turdally looking forward to it. I'm gonna do some gardening, cleaning and cooking. I'm gonna go markets and get some proper nice fruit and veg and stuff, and I'm gonna spend a nice amount of time with my MUMMY. I am feeling the need to be mothered and made a fuss of.

Hey so I'm also hating my job at the moment - again. It's providing the money now, due to my months of hard work, but even that doesn't take away from the fact that it's a shithole company and a fucked up working environment. How does one carry on? I'm going to make a statement here which I shall stick to. If I'm still in this job at the end of December, I will immediately quit and find another job.

?

When is the best time in a woman's cycle to be making decisions? Or rather, when is the best time to NOT make decisions.

Also, how much should one rely on one's mother to make the decisions? Or if a mother figure asserts her opinion on some matter, should you just take it and run like the wind, or should you take it on board and delay departure until after adequate thought?

Clearly I need to just go with my instinct, and forget what my mum said and assess the situation for what it truly is. And my gut says to take that idea and run with it - RUN LIKE THE WIND!!

Woo hooo!!!!!!

P.S. No - I will not be telling you what my idea is, so sorry. It's mine - ALL MINE. Kind of.

One Word: Wanker

Some of you may already be aware that my date on Friday night went rather badly. I am now laughing about it, especially given the fact that he decided to email me requesting an explanation for walking out on him in the cinema. I will now copy said emails into this post. Firstly, he sent me this:

I just wanted to know what it was that inspired you to walk out on me? If you didn't dig me as a person or my 'advances', you probably should have just said so to my face, it would have been much more considerate and far less hurtful than just abandoning a fellow human being. Kinda painful.

And then I responded with this:

- I told you that I was not that kind of girl, twice.
- I told you that I was not looking for a 'quick shag' - twice.
- You responded with "well it's a fine time to choose to be that girl" - offensive.
- You seem to have some kind of thing for shagging in public places, which is fine, when you haven't just met the person.
- When I told you I wasn't that kind of girl, you said "well all the others are" - perhaps you've only got experience with 15 year old girls...?
- I told you that the cinema was "not the right place" for your advances. You responded by pulling me on top of you.
- I explained that I was looking for a relationship, not just a quick fuck, and you said "I'm not looking for a quick fuck" and then started sulking, folded your arms, and watched the movie.

In short, your immature advances reminded me of a teenage boy who hadn't quite grasped the true meaning of sex and was looking for it WHEREVER he could smell it. You made me feel violated as your advances didn't stop when I said no, and when I explained to you that I didn't want to sleep with ANYBODY on the first date, you shunned me like some kind of frigid bitch.

In conclusion, and in response to your email, what inspired me to walk out on you? The above points. I thought you were a nice guy, until your advances proved that you were only after one thing and couldn't quite believe that I wasn't willing to give you what you wanted. I DID tell you to your face, on numerous occasions, all of which you ignored. This puts you pretty firmly in the class of boys who don't know when no means no. Additionally, do you know what would have been 'considerate and far less hurtful'? If you'd have treated me like a lady, and if you'd have acted like a man instead of a horny teenager with no manners. So as to my actions being 'kinda painful', I don't apologise. I'm glad it was painful and I can only hope that MY actions lead you to assess YOUR actions and possibly change your outlook on life, women and sex in general. And maybe, just maybe, you could grow the fuck up and learn to have a wank before you go on a date so you don't end up practically coming over the unlucky girl you're with.

Don't email me back, I'm blocking your email address - I only like to communicate with people who act their age.

Rubbish.

I despise two faced people.

I also despise the fact that my boss is sick today, another of my colleagues is sick, my best colleagues (x2) are on holiday and the remaining 'people' will shortly be leaving the office for the rest of the day. I will be required to be here at 12pm for a meeting with other boss, AND someone has to be here for drinks in arvo with bigger boss. SO, this sucks.

I've decided I'm gonna take an excessively long lunch and buy some books and stuff. Anyone free for lunch and in the city - gimme a call!

Bad turned Stoopid

So, the coffee date boy emailed me to say sorry. I shall relay what i can remember of the conversation:

Him:
"Sorry - I must have walked straight past you or something. I hope we can meet up another time? Sorry again."

Me:
"Hey don't be sorry - it's not your fault. I just don't think that this is going to work out. I don't have too much time on my hands due to work so I think it's probably best if we just leave it. But thank you for being so nice and thoughtful!"

Him:
"Geez... just goes to prove that all the chicks are nuts, even the ones who I think are nice. enjoy being an old cat lady."

Yes - you read correctly. What a prick. I didn't reply to his abuse. I didn't want to stoop to his level of intelligence. Seriously though - how did it suddenly turn from HIM not being able to find starbucks on a non-crowded 3pm main city street, to ME being crazy with my nice email??

Fucking men - I tell ya...

Good turned Bad

Yesterday I smashed my target and was super chipper about it and happy etc - looking forward to massive bonus. And then it was all ruined by a randomly pathetic excuse for a coffee date.

I've decided that I need a man who does NOT wear his heart on his sleeve, (or better yet - doesn't appear to have one), I need a man who does not have issues with punctuality, I need a man who can spot a starbucks, on a street that only has one, in the middle of the day. Seriously - I've never met (or not met) a more pathetic excuse for a man. I thought things were turning out badly when he kept texting me saying 'have a good day today...' - WHAT? Leave me alone you scary stalker creep. God damn - where have all the real men gone??

I know that more often than not the real men don't work in offices, (there are some exceptions to this rule), but it now seems that real men aren't tradies either. So what next? Clearly I need to branch out into the armed forces. You can't get more manly than that, right?

Bring me a man with no manners, no feelings and a gun strapped to his side.

Cholera

Well, I did it - I posted every day for a week. Are you proud of me, Toes?

I think I'm gonna wear my new dress tomorrow - although I am slightly worried that it might be too cold. My week plans are looking to be rather hectic; a mixture of work AND personal business, I'll have you know. Not very like me to have social engagements, I know. I can't divulge too much on here though, so if you're interested to know what the hell I'm going on about then please, just ask.

I just watched a movie with S-Jo; I hate her. But I enjoyed the movie somewhat. Only because there was swearing and an attractive man. The Nanny Diaries. Yes - I know - it sounds crap. And it probably was crap, but I've had no chocolate today so it was needed.

Hmmm, cholera. Random thought for you.

Ciao!

Overwhelmed

Today I was gonna go gym in morning, but I had an overwhelming need to go shopping, so I put my gym bag in car and went shopping. I spent the rest of my money on various lovely things that I didn't technically need, but I don't care. So I finished shopping and instead of going to the gym, I was faced with an overwhelming need to cook a pineapple upside-down cake. So I went home and cooked a cake. It's in the oven now - should ding in a minute. I was also gonna clean my house this arvo, but I figured that most weekends I spend the Saturday being super busy with various things, and then on the Sunday I just get bored. SO I'm gonna leave the gym and the cleaning til tomorrow and today I will spend my time doing other things. What other things? I don't know. Watching my cake cool down - thinking about what I'll have for dinner - playing with Colin - watching Wayne's World... Yes, I haven't watched it in years and am slowly realising that it is actually very funny. Um, and that's it from me. Ooooh wow - just turned the cake out and it looks great! I am officially a culinary genius... cos it's such a difficult cake to make...

Pinned

I drank TWO cups of coffee this morning, and because I've been sticking to tea or water of late, something strange happened. As my friend Margey described it, my "pupils were pinned"; that is, they were tiny. I was HIGH on caffeine. Running around like the energizer bunny on speed - thankfully I did not encounter any attractive men on my outing so did not shame myself in the slightest.

However, this coffee overload seems to have suppressed my appetite as well. It's now officially lunch time and I am not hungry, and even if I was my brain aint capable of determining exactly what I would like to eat. So, I sit and wait until my body tells me what it would like me to do.

Meanwhile, I went on a very successful meeting this morning and have pitched an almighty client for a sum of money that would put me in a very unfamiliar situation: Cashed Up. I'm already spending it, and he hasn't even approved the sale yet. So, I sit and wait for him to reply confirming, or otherwise.

It seems that today is generally about sitting and waiting. Some prick decided to schedule in a compulsory meeting for 16:30 this afternoon (I ask you), so I'll also be sitting and waiting for that. Joy.

Argh. What to do this weekend... eat, sleep, gym, Colin...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLIN!!

Mummy loves you more and more with every day.

Complaint.

Last night I had a visitor. It was probably quite obvious to him that I don't ordinarily receive visitors at such an ungodly hour (6pm), because I was wearing my cowboy pj trousers and a black vest which my boobs have the ungraceful habit of falling out of.

He was a salesman. For some telephone company. I explained that I don't pay for any of my phones, tv or internet, and that my company pay for all of it because I work from home, (I can dream...). He was very surprised and was looking at me in disbelief, and said, "Really? That's lucky for you. What company do you work for? Do you live alone?" I replied in the affirmative to the final question but later regretted it.

He eventually left, in a little bit of shock that I was so lucky to work for my company, but then he CAME BACK. About half an hour later I answered the door again, and he asked me "What company did you say you worked for again?" And after a few more stupid pointless questions he asked me if he could come in for a glass of water!

I said, 'um, no you can't', and shut the door. I felt threatened! I was genuinely worried for my safety. So today I am going to phone Optus (whom I suspect were the employers of this man) and complain. Yes - I feel like a good old complain. I've already put in a complaint to Westpac this morning (frequent flyer points; don't ask) so I'm on a roll.

Anger

I'm in a weird mood. I'm very spaced out, and I had a late lunch cos I wasn't hungry, even though I ate no dinner last night. Rubbish.

I'm very much looking forward to the weekend cos I really can't be fucked to be at work any longer and I'm sick of various things in my office, such as the fuckwit behind me whose jaw clicks every time he eats something, and my boss who is an obsesses triathlete and won't shut the fuck up about my target. I'M NOT GONNA HIT MY FUCKING TARGET YOU PRICK SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Yes. And Colin most likely hates me cos I didn't get home til late last night and he was all alone. Bless his little cotton socks. It's his birthday very soon and I haven't got him a present yet. I feel bad.

What else. Um, if anybody is doing anything next weekend, (24th and 25th), can I come? I sense boredom will be an issue and feel that I should put an action plan in place to combat this preempted nastiness.

Fuckwit with clicking jaw is also trying to see my new blog address cos he's the fuckwit who made me get rid of my old one and no doubt he wants to cause trouble with this one too. He's just jealous because I'm not an IGNORANT FUCKWIT like him.

Noises

This morning I arrived to my office to find that the fire alarm was being tested. This wasn't your average 'spurt' of the alarm before silence resumed. This was a prolonged outburst, lasting no less than 10 whole minutes. I tried blocking my ears, but this failed to block out the noise. So, in a desperate attempt to escape the infernal racket I went over the road and bought a coffee.

Some of you may know that I very rarely drink coffee now, and prefer to stick to the wonderful antioxidantness of tea. So, in short, I blame my work for any ill health which I happen to suffer over the next few weeks, and if time off is required, I expect this to not be held against me in the slightest.

With regards to yesterday's post, I find that it is relatively easy to write at will, so please don't feel that the quality of my blog will be too compromised by the frequency of blogging.

I'm going to meet Tim Winton tonight. I'm tempted to pass him some of my own incredibly prolific writing. Ha. I imagine he'd be very polite and say 'why thanks! I'll be sure to read this!' and then use it as toilet paper.

So, instead, I will go along, get my books signed, and leave with my credibility as a writer in tact.

As Requested

I've been asked to blog, but I don't know what to blog about. I wrote some stuff on the weekend, on paper - old school - but I can't put it on here cos it's not really the right forum is it. No.

Oh - I had Thai food on Friday; one craving satisfied. I also had an insatiable craving for chocolate peanuts on Saturday so I bought a kilo of them; another craving satisfied. I'm hoping the cravings have gone now. I seem to have been free of them today, but who knows what'll happen when I get home.

I'm going to meet Tim Winton tomorrow! For any of you who don't know who he is, he's an amazing author. I just finished reading his latest book 'Breath' and would highly recommend it to everybody. It's brilliant. He has such a nice way of writing. I love him. I might jump on him. Except, he has a ponytail that's longer than mine. That's not right.

I've been asked to update my blog more often. So, over the next week I will update every day, HOWEVER, I cannot guarantee the quality of my posts. Higher demand means less time to think about what I'm writing.

Innit.

Old Greeny

I'm getting my green thumb into gear. I've been to Bunnings TWICE this weekend and I'm thinking about going again tomorrow. It's a long weekend you see - and I'm spending it very quietly at home playing with the garden and stuff.

So, I now have a nice looking climber planted out front, and a cactus out the back with the rocket plant mum gave me. Also, I was reading that having plants inside the house helps you stay well and prevents colds, so I bought a trailing indoor plant and have put it in the kitchen.

Tomorrow I think I would go and buy a bag of potting mix cos mum gave me some jade and I wanna get that going.

I just realised ... um ... why am I telling you all this? Do I not care about my 'street cred' any longer? Have I lost all contact with my social side? Has my social inclination completely disappeared and finally, after years of threatening it, I am retreating to my 'house on a hill' where I grow my own vegetables...? The children in my street already stare at me when I take Colin out for a walk... it's only a matter of time before I start to smell of wee and they throw rocks at me.

Oh lord... I just realised something else. Today I went to Bunnings wearing the same trousers that I wore to bed last night. Does this count as 'wearing your pyjamas in public'? They're not officially pj trousers - but I often wear them to bed. Cos they're comfy. And warm.

Oh crap. This is all happening so quickly... I don't know if I can prevent the inevitable. Friends have called me 'Nanna' in the past - it won't be long before taunts of "The Smelly Old Woman With The Bald Cat" start being thrown my way...

Branches

I just finished a big bowl of soup, which I made myself of course. I decided that I would explore the opportunity of branching out into soups - as a bit of a sideline to my burgeoning pasta sauce business.

What's all this? - I hear you ask. Well, I recently discovered that I am a very good cook... particularly when it comes to things that are very detailed and have a rather lengthy process attached to them. Hence, cooking tomato sauces from scratch, and making my own chicken stock out of the carcass of my roast chicken.

So, what other branches of cooking involve such long winded processes of cooking? I'm wondering if Lavender can be used to cook with, because I recently purchased a little lavender plant and planted it in my front garden. Now that would be a lengthy process...

Actually, I'd really like to start growing my own vegetables. Mum just gave me a rocket plant, which I'm assured will grow without much attention. I like this kind of growing and imagine that sweet potatoes, green beans and carrots require an equally minimal attention span.

Oh - and you know how I said I wanted a compost bin? Well, I think I've been persuaded to start a worm farm instead. Apparently it's better for the environment (given that it involves helping out a fellow creature) and it creates a much better soil. And I"m gonna need the highest quality soil for all these veggies I'm gonna be growing!

Anti-Boredom

In an attempt to stifle my never ending boredom, I have decided to create a list of things I would like to do before I'm 30. (If you're not aware, I only have 3.5 years before this happens.)

1. Start a compost bin and dispose of all vegetable matter in an eco-friendly way.
2. Get a job that does not wholly consist of sales and/or recruitment advertising.
3. Pay off all my debt.
4. Go back to the UK for a holiday.
5. Buy my own house.
6. Start a veggie garden (with herbs too).
7. Be mood-stabiliser free (this includes evening primrose oil).
8. Have a "boyfriend", if only just for one day...
9. Drive an Aston Martin DB9.
10. Not have to take anti-histamines every day.
11. Not be afraid of social commitments and stop being so reclusive.

And I think that's it... for now. Any suggestions?

Anti-Health

I read an article today that was promoting a new anti-oxidant juice. It's supposed to help detoxify your body etc etc. It asked a number of questions about how healthy you are and stuff, to try and gauge whether or not you should try said drink.

So, in the interests of not doing any work, I took the little survey to find out how I rate on the 'health scale'. The answer to my endeavours? "You answered (A) to every question: You are super human and probably don't really exist."

So - to start with this made me feel a little cheated. I DO exist. I even had a quick look around the office to make sure that I am, in fact, in existence, and that there are, in fact, living, breathing people around me. Then, I started to feel crap! I thought, ok, so I'm not supposed to be this healthy? I've spent the last 6 months trying to be mindful of everything that goes in to my body and for what? To be told that I'm too healthy to be ALIVE?

So what - I ask you - what exactly would you like me to do, 'Mindy', if that is your real name...? Should I be heading to my nearest McDonalds to purchase a McFatty burger? Or should I just skip the wastefulness of consuming food and get an IV of fat hooked up to my right arm?

Seriously - you spend your life trying to do what they tell you, then they throw it back in your face. Well SCREW THEM - I'm happy being healthy; I like going to the gym every day; I enjoy brown rice! I throw my health right back at you!! Take that MINDY. What kind of a fucking name is Mindy anyway... pah - the only thing she's got is a song by Homer J Simpson about a turkey. RUBBISH.

Liquidity

I'm detoxing today - liquid only. Juices, water and nutrient water thingies. Why? Because I ate 7 slices of pizza last night and I feel like a fat ho-bag. Also, I didn't go to the gym this morning, and I feel like a fat ho-bag.

Problem is, I think my brain doesn't work without food. I feel like I'm floating around on a bubble of water. I'm going to Yoga at lunch though, so that feeling should prove effective for me. Unless it turns into lightheadedness. Buggeration.

So, I'm in the midst of PMT. I've figured out that my PMT has a pattern, as follows:

day 1 of pmt: sad and very sensitive. possible tears.
day 2: melancholy, touchy, possible outbursts of randomness.
day 3: melancholy, less touchy, relaxed. Bloated.
day 4: BLOATED. outbursts of anger.
day 5: outbursts of anger; tears are likely.
day 6: hunger. insatiable, crazy hunger. relaxed.
day 7: touchy, angry, slightly bored, and a bit depressed.
day 8: nothing.

This pattern is only when it hits bad, which isn't every month. How nice of me to provide some relief for myself.

Um, so at the moment, I'm on Day 7. I also ate 2 chocolate bars yesterday. Got - what a fatty mcfatterson I am...

Hippy-Modernism

Apparently nobody else cares that my supermarket only stocks one variety of organic milk, and sometimes doesn't stock ANY. What, I ask you, are we healthy, green types supposed to drink with our cereal? This morning I had to stoop to ordinary milk, and it was REVOLTING.

I might be exaggerating a little... it wasn't "revolting" - it was just... kind of, normal. Which I don't like anymore! God damn it. I'm allowed to be picky.

So, on the theme of supermarkets, I am no longer buying any fruit, vegetables or eggs from the big chain stores. I will only go to small greengrocers, or preferably, posh market type places on Saturday mornings dressed in my gym gear carrying an organic skimmed chai latte and my yoga mat. This is all in aide of the ENVIRONMENT. Yes people - I am slowly making my way to Modern Hippy status.

I burn incense - because it makes visitors think I'm cultured.
I eat organic food - because I can AFFORD it.
I turn off my appliances - because these appliances are MINE and mine alone.

Seriously - it's nothing to do with appearances AT ALL. It's about saving face.... I mean, saving the environment.

I know I'll have support from one of my avid readers - this woman is one of the finer species of humanity; she has designer sunglasses, she appreciates the importance of driving a small but wholly unnecessary car, she most probably goes to her local market wearing yoga gear and a Louis Vuitton trolley basket.... Yes Merrows - it's you.

Overhang

I previously lived in a land where hangovers were a bad, miserable event. I now live in a land where they're FUCKING COOL and a whole heap of fun.

I've decided that I very much enjoy the insatiable appetite and ability to chow down on pretty much anything that has flavour and get the momentary satisfaction of 'desert tongue' disappearing under the veil of grease and unhealthy food items.

I've also decided that I very much enjoy the way my mind seems to turn into an empty vessel which is sporadically visited by bizarre and incomprehensible thoughts which make me laugh, and make those around me stare at me like I've just taken my quirkiness one step too far towards the realms of madness.

I have decided that I very much enjoy the influx of humour; whether this be unwittingly delivered by other people or accidentally delivered by me, I find the most mundane utterances hilarious and every single noise that enters my auditory field sends me into a fit of giggles.


Is this healthy? No.
Could I cope with this more than once a week? No.
Am I possibly in danger of being sent to the loony bin? Yes.


But I don't care cos I'm FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Ode to Pod

Somebody told us to pack up our bags -
Move out of the pod and move in with hags.
Were we offered a choice?
Did they ask for our voice?
They just pushed us around like dirty old slags.

A slag however, has a much better life
Than salespeople working through trouble and strife.
Slags get good tips
For a kiss on the lips
Salespeople get treated like a stay at home wife.

The Pod will soon be a fond memory
When I swivel my chair, your face I won't see
I'll cry for a week
I don't think I'll speak
Who the hell will I tell when I need a wee??

Oh My

Lordy lord my health was hampered indeed. Which is why I haven't posted for ages. So, sorry to my fans who complained endlessly.

On a separate note, I am feeling rather revived and ready to embark on my once again healthy life. Um, so i totally have stuff to write, but I'm starting to think that I can't again. Cos, you know, people who I don't want to read some stuff read this. Why oh why is this always a problem?

Oh! I totally complained to my boss yesterday about the fuckwits I work with, and he's gonna 'manage them'. Yesssss... Bazza and her firing force are back...

I'd like to say a special hello to Thomas who is currently pissed and messaging me on Facebook. I love him - we're gonna get married you see. And our children will be adorable.

I'd also like to say a special hello to Toes - she's probably one of my biggest fans and I'm sure she'll pee herself with excitement to know that I've mentioned her. She helped me out last night - I was searching through the AM radio stations for Triple J and she quickly advised me that it's an FM station. "Welcome to the noughties, Nanna' she said. Thanks Toes - can always count on you ;)

So who hates smiley faces? Like, in texts? I used to, but now I find myself wishing it was possible to pull one out of the air in a face to face conversation. You know, like have them pop up from the top of your head like a lightbulb.

I can see my brain isn't quite fixed from the loooong weekend so I'll go now, and attempt to write something more normal tomorrow.

Peace be with you...

Sweet

I am, like, the most super healthy person in the WORLD. I fear, however, that tonight's frivolities might hamper this assertion somewhat. I am planning on going out for a few drinks this evening, you see, and I imagine that said drinks won't be all that healthy... unless I go for the Bloody Mary again. Idea!

Oh! And I work with this chick who is an absolute WHORE OF BABYLON and I FUCKING HATE HER and so do the rest of my team, and I have just talked to her (an effort) about jobs. She said that she's looking, and I mentioned the job that I turned down back in January, and she was interested in it! SO, I've emailed it to her and I'm totally gonna put in a good word for her and get her the fuck out of my office. Sweeeet.

Also, the absolute COCK that we work with needs to get the fuck out too, so I'm formulating a plan to get him sacked - or at the very least, forced to resign. Sweeeet again.

Um, what else. Long weekend! Woo hoo! I'm going bushwalking on Sunday and tomorrow I'm having a DVD day via correspondence with my besty in Sydney. Sweeeeet for me!

Huh?

I just got a friend request on Facebook from my cousin - who I never talk to and see once every 10 years - and discovered that she's friends with my SISTER - who I didn't even know was on Facebook.

So, I have just requested to be friends with my sister.

This is quite poignant really, as I haven't spoken to her in 2 months. Maybe Facebook will be the mediator in our relationship. Maybe I can only talk to her via Facebook. Maybe I should just call her.

No. Don't wanna.

Promises

It has been brought to my attention (thanks to the wonderful connectivity of Facebook) that my mention of going back to England for a holiday are largely doubted. So, I PROMISE that I will be heading back to the rainy, cold, muddy little island some time next year. Hopefully around this time next year.

You hear that? P R O M I S E

And I stick to my promises. For example, I have just now promised to Colin that I will get the fly spray and spray the very large fly that he's chasing around the house, in order for him to have a fairer chance of catching it and eating it. Because I've promised this, I will do it. After I've written this. Although, I am rather enjoying watching him run around on top of the furniture squawking like some strange bedraggled animal.

Um, so, this is the last day of my little week off. I'm going to Seaworld and to the beach. I'm only going to Seaworld because I will be accompanied by a small child AND the tickets are half price for QLD residents. Ordinarily they'd cost $63!! And there's no way in hell I'd pay that much for ANYTHING (except a life sized solid chocolate easter bunny).

Oh lord - Colin's little noises of frustration are so funny... It's like half-miaows. It sounds like he's saying "meh meh meh meh meh" over and over again. Haahhahahahaaa... I should go and help him out really. After all - I PROMISED I would. Hmph.

Touching Base

Just spoke to my boss to tell him that I will be in on Monday. He asked me to 'touch base' today to make sure my week had gone well. And I was very happy to tell him that yes, my week had gone well so far, and I am very much looking forward to coming into work on Monday. In a strange way, I've missed his scary positivity and annoying cliche's.

But, my week isn't over yet. Today was pay day, and I went shopping for food and some stuff, and my card got declined! But after a quick trip to the bank I discovered that it was the bank's problem. So there. Um, have bought lots of food, and I bought myself a GOLD LINDT CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY!!!!

I am SUPER excited about eating it, but of course, that won't be done until next weekend. I'm a firm believer in keeping the easter festivities such as gold bunnies and hot cross buns until the actual easter day. Or the weekend at least.

I think I might be going to Seaworld tomorrow. A family friend has popped over from Perth and her little girl (the same one who covered me in baby poo a year or two ago) really wanna go. And apart from an all important spin class in the morning, I've got nothing better to do.

Speaking of the small child - it was strange; almost as soon as she got inside the house, she dragged me to go 'wee wee' with her. Memories of last time, and the smell of the baby poo that wouldn't leave my skin for days, plagued my mind and I was frightened. But, she got in to the bathroom, and to my absolute pleasure and pride she pulled down her undies and sat on the loo etc etc etc! I felt like she'd really grown up. Bless her.

If I ever have kids, I might just give them to someone else until they're toilet trained. I mean seriously - if a cat can shit in the litter tray from 6 weeks old, then how can humans possibly claim to be the superior animal? Cats all the way - that's what I say.

Half Way

I'm going to get my little Jayden back this morning. Which is good, cos Kevin the Corolla is starting to piss me off. What kind of a car doesn't have stereo controls on the steering wheel?? Seriously... that's a serious design fault right there.

Today is the half way point of my week off. I'm feeling slightly discombobulated by the whole thing. Tomorrow, however, will be super exciting cos it's pay day and as far as I know I don't have any major expenses to shell out and I might actually be able to afford to buy myself something nice. Cos by christ I know I deserve it!

I'm starting to get slightly addicted to daytime tv. Only the morning stuff, mind you, like Sunrise with Mel and Kochy. Hahaha they're so funny...

I think I'm turning into a stay at home mother. Colin's loving it, but I think I'm turning into a bit of a... um... domesticated middle aged woman...? I thought I couldn't get any more prematurely middle aged, but yes - it is apparently possible.

So, the half way point of my week of cleansing finds me in this position: I'm relaxed, slightly perturbed that I have an ability to fully relax and enjoy not having much of a routine, and I'm ready to start thinking about going back to work. Almost.

In-dupe-itably

I've now spent my first day at home, of my normally working week. I'm beginning to realise that being at work actually saves you a lot of time and money, as you don't have to worry about door to door salespeople.

An Indian man, with very bad skin, a clipboard and an origin energy ID card just tried to dupe me. He told me that because I am an Origin Energy customer for my gas, I could get some free green energy lightbulbs or something. I was all like, well, I have some of those so thanks but no thanks. Then he said, well if you don't want the lightbulbs I can give you a free 12 month subscription to Marie Claire magazine.

Alarm bells went off in my head: Why do I get this for free? What do I have to do?

I more or less asked him that and he said, in his very hard to understand Indian accent, that it was not a contract and I was just agreeing to make my energy that I use greener and it would help the environment etc. So I looked at the leaflet he gave me, and reiterated what I was getting to the salesman to ensure that he knew my understanding of the deal. And I signed. Then he phoned some origin energy phone line and I had to give this woman a heap of numbers, and she said:

Ok, so do you agree to signing up with Origin Energy for both your electricity and gas needs and signing a lock in contract for this service?

At this point I realised that I had been duped. I told the woman on the phone that I had no intention of signing up with Origin for my electricity as I am happy with my current elec provider. She then asked to speak to the salesperson so I handed the phone over and he got what I can only assume was a bollocking and hung up.

I told him; you didn't explain that to me at all, you made no mention of electricity to me. I think in the future you should try explaining the situation fully to any customers that you're selling to.

His response?

Please give me my leaflet back.

The Cleansing

Gone are the days of self destruction - in are the days of cleansing.

If life starts to get cluttered, messy and just a little bit troublesome; start again. Of course, the physical act of being born again is reserved only for those people of biblical and mythical proportions. So, we people of little faith and importance have a renaissance which is wholly ungodly and much less exciting.

But by god it's going to be good.

I'm taking the next week off work. "Sick Leave" is what my boss called it. What he doesn't know is that I've actually spent the last few weeks being sick, and next week's leave is, in fact, the surgery. It's the time when I'm going to get better. So, we shall call it "Health Leave".

In Health leave, a person needs to put together an adequate schedule. I have done this, in the form of an excel spreadsheet, and my week currently consists of lots of gym, eating healthily, bushwalks, doctors appointments, cooking, reading and museums. Unfortunately I have only $20 to last me til Thursday, so my activities will be FREE activities only. That's ok though - if the years of sickness have taught me anything, it's that happiness does not come from money.

And that's what my week is about - happiness.

I shall begin with a weekend of cleansing (the house and my brain), and then the activities and fun will start. By the end of the week my surgery will be over, and recovery will commence. By the time I go back to work on the 17th, I'll be a brand new, healthy person.

Mary

I'm thinking of changing my name to Mary and only consuming Bloody Mary's for the rest of my life. Think about it - they've got fruit, vegetables (the celery, and some would say, the tomatoes) and the all important alcohol that has apparently become necessary in my day-to-day life.

That's right folks - I'm drunk and it's 11:45am. The team went to the pub at 10am for a drink to celebrate the fact that one of us had the balls to resign.

So, if I changed my name to Mary, this would mean that it would be vital for me to consume a Bloody mary for breakfast every day. Intriguing concept, I think you'll agree.

Now if only I'd have brought a valium to work with me today... I could have done a double header: Prescription Drugs + Alcohol = Mary.

Being

When breathing is too much effort, you know you've gone one step closer to stopping altogether. I just wonder if I'll consciously stop breathing, or if my body will do it for me and render me physically incapable of existing at all. I could just implode, and be no longer.

What is this whole thing about 'just being' anyway. Paul Abdul on American Idol told roughly 7 contestants yesterday that they should 'just be'. I have also been told that I should 'just be' for a while. What I'm confused about is this: How does one NOT just be? When you're told by someone to 'just be', are they simply telling you to 'not not be', i.e. to not be dead...?

In which case, do I need to make a concerted effort to not be dead, in order to 'just be'? Is it as simple as stopping breathing on purpose, and therefore in order to 'just be', making a conscious effort to keep breathing...?

If so, I can consciously make the effort to carry on breathing... for today. Come tomorrow, I'm not sure as yet. I might just let my body take control and open myself up to the idea of not being - see if the body does, in fact, render me physically incapable of existing.

Fuck

I'm fucked off. I've just spent the last month working my arse off - working harder than most people in my office would have worked in a long time - and what have I got to show for it?

Nothing. A big fat fucking nothing.

I fucking hate my clients, I fucking hate targets and I fucking hate managers.

My manager has just released a sales competition - a wholly pointless exercise when our targets are sky-high and it's not likely that anybody will hit their target. So his little comp-adventure is purely serving to make us all feel crap about not achieving something else.

How many things can you NOT achieve this month?!

Brilliant - feeling on top of the fucking world.

Stoopid

Last night I cracked it - I saw an ad on TV, not for the first time, and I just blew up about it. Some of you may have seen it. It's for Stayfree sanitary towels. Their new marketing campaign was to change their packaging so that the packs are colour coded to indicate absorbency; i.e. Light, Regular or Super.

I ask you this: What percentage of women buying sanitary products is unfamiliar with the meanings of the words Light, Regular and Super, and therefore needs colour coding?

Are the marketers of this product making a statement about women in general? Are they saying that we need everything to be colour coded? Also - do men need colour coding on their razor blades? Hmmm?

So that's my little rant today. Apart from that I'm in a very good mood, which is becoming the norm of late. There are some things which will be happening in the next few days that may affect my mood, but I'm hoping that it won't be too dramatic.

And on a slightly separate note, I think the UPS guy is frightened of me.

Dull

My senses have been dulled, somewhat, by the prescription of a new drug. Yay for new drugs, Boo for dulled senses.

Or is it that clear cut...?

I'm next to certain that my work colleagues have noticed the new stability of my moods, and in that case would likely praise the dulling of my senses. But we have yet to see how this dulling affects my work. I have been a little behind the 8 ball for the last couple of days, floating on a cloud of good mood so not much work has been done... moving forward, I'll continue to assess this.

I hate it when people say 'moving forward'. Fuck it shits me to tears.

My concentration hasn't been spot on either... my mind drifts all over the place. Unfortunately this also means my car has been drifting all over the road. But it's ok; he's going in to get his latest little boo-boo fixed up next week, so any new dents can just be sorted out then.

So yay for new drugs. New drugs make a happy Bazza.


NB: New drugs + Bazza = Do not operate heavy machinery.

When the going gets tough...

...the tough get going.

I'm staying put, so obviously I'm not that tough.

I'm keeping my tidy waste of space ass away from anything provocative, in the hope that I can weather the storm without causing too much damage to other people and myself. Valium's a massive help! As is the prospect of going back to England for a holiday.

Yes, you heard me - Bazza just might be coming back to the mother country. Not for long, but a return nonetheless. I'm thinking 2 or 3 weeks early next year. I feel like some nasty wintery weather. How I miss the cold wind that rips right through you...

Mostly though, I miss my friends. I've never really missed a bunch of people quite so much and I'm beginning to forget why I left London at all. So, I expect all of you to be free and totally available for a catch-up. I'm thinking The Spoons on a friday lunch time with onion rings and chips. I'm also thinking The Betsy of an evening, with their scummy toilets - god I hope they haven't renovated...

Disappointment x 27 = ?

Thank fuck for that - it's the 15th of Feb. You see, secretly I was as bitter as always with the whole V Day thing. But I decided this year I wouldn't jinx my chances by moaning about it so much that anybody who was possibly thinking about getting me something would be scared off and not get me anything. So I kept quiet, tried to remain relatively neutral and then the big day came.

I managed to only be in a visibly bitter mood for about 3 hours in the morning, and then I swept it aside with the hope that something might be in my letterbox when I got home. So I waited and waited and got home and checked the letterbox and there was nothing.

So, for the 27th year running I have received nothing. I can't say I'm completely surprised. I'm a fairly intimidating person and if I were a bloke I'd be a little afraid to give me something. But that's no fucking excuse. It just goes to show that I need to find a man with a rather large set of balls. One who can slap me about a bit and tell me to shut the fuck up and accept the flowers/chocolates/card without a word of complaint. But I seem to be neglecting something here... the fact of the matter is; I received nothing because nobody wanted to give me anything.

Ha hahahahaha haha haaa. Truth hurts, but it's also quite amusing.

I really do need to meet more people. If I'm going to endlessly put hope on this stupid fucking day of the year then I should really try and heighten my chances of not being disappointed. It's akin to a hermit asking 'why don't I have any friends?'... and that's a completely separate issue right there.

P.S. I would like to point out that telling someone "oh you'll find someone when you're not looking" REALLY DOESN'T HELP. 'Not looking' requires having NO HOPE - ergo, telling me 'you'll find someone' gives me hope and I start to actively LOOK. In order for your stupid statement to work at all it necessarily requires you to NOT SAY ANYTHING and let me fall into my pit of hopelessness. Because apparently, according to you, that's when I'll find someone. Brilliant. I wonder if they'll arrive before or after I slit my wrists...?

Early

Today I left the house 5 minutes earlier than usual and have arrived at work 30 minutes earlier than usual. It just doesn't make any sense. So, as it's far too early to be doing actual work, I'm going to sit here and write nonsense.

What to write about? Well, I'm not sure if you're aware but I have recently formed an investment corporation. I shan't give away the name, becuase I imagine that when we make our first million you'll all be begging me for money. And nobody wants that. I'll just let it be known that I am now on a quest to gather as much information as I can about investing. I am reading all manner of boring investment and business magazines, and am thinking of getting a subscription to the Financial Review.

I do like the idea of a small child throwing my paper into my garden every week. You see, in Australia that is how papers are delivered. They're wrapped in plastic and thrown into your garden. In England this doesn't happen - it was one of those things that I could never get my head around when I first moved there. Why put your letter box in your front door? Why would you want your letters to be the first thing you step on when you get home? Nonsense.

Oh so I told you all that I wasn't going to write my pre V Day rant didn't I. I will resist the urge... although I have to say; the anger is building rather rapidly. This morning I was walking behind a pair of people who decided to stop in the middle of the street to have a snog. This was completely unacceptable so I told them so (in not so many words).

But hey - it doesn't matter. It'll all be over in 48 hours and I won't have to feel the intense loneliness and rejection until next year. Woo!

PB

I spilt peanut butter on my black shirt this morning. A silly move, but totally unavoidable. Shouldn't have been eating peanut butter anyway. Meh.

The PB on my top only served to highlight the fact that it was actually too big for me, and I started to stress and be a complete knob about the fact that I probably looked like a right fatty with peanut butter down my top and a billowing top. Blah. This was not a good situation to be in.

So, I walked to Jeans West - the shop that I bought my top at - and I found the smaller size, tried it on, and voila! Brand new top, fitted, no PB.

The fact that I am now wearing a size 10 - my PB (Personal Best) - is extremely exciting. It's completely distracted me from the fact that I have a shit load of work to do, my email is down and I have to fuck about with stoopid errands at lunch time.

Ra ra ra.

It's also distracted me from the fact that V Day is on Thursday. Although I had forgotten about it prior to this morning, which is a damned record; a PB in fact. Usually by now I would have subjected my readers to my annual Pre V-Day rant - but this year, I just don't feel that it's necessary! Don't worry - the world hasn't changed its course - I'm still single and living with my cat - but I'm not so desperately single as previous years. Sweet.

Pain, pain go away...

It's been raining for what feels like months, and my wisdom tooth has been hurting for what seems like years. But somehow, the two are inextricably linked. I'm near to certain that they came on at the same time.

So, my question is this: if the rain stops, will my wisdom tooth stop hurting? Additionally, if the pain stops, will it stop raining?

On to my next point - pain prevention. Much like an umbrella, ibuprofen stops the pain/rain from hurting/wetting me, but only temporarily. There's always a little bit of rain/pain that gets through the ibuprofen/umbrella, and there's nothing to be done about it.

So as I sit here in pain, barely able to open my mouth to take a sip of coffee, I wonder; do I control nature, or does it control me?

Cosmos

Oh how the cosmos mocks me. I believe that the 'powers that be' have a direct feed from my blog, because every time I write about something good (re: recent post - Moody) they turn the tables and my world turns to a whole heap of shit.

Am I exaggerating? No. I think not. I am not going to explain the whole situation because quite frankly, I don't think you'd believe me. Let's just say this: If good things come in small packages (read; bar of chocolate) then bad things most definitely come in large, pulsating, comically oversized bags of CRAP.

I've turned to smoking again, to relieve the stress. The valium bottle is also being hit a little too hard. And my colleagues are blissfully unaware of the true extent of the vague situation I communicated to them. BUT, this is a good thing. The less my problems are brought into the work atmosphere, the more I can escape them while in the office.

This is my action plan: Work is escape. Work is a place of joy and happiness. Work does not house stress.

Bring on Monday...

Moody

I'm thinking that I have finally discovered the source of a good mood. For years I've troubled myself over how and why a bad mood starts - I've gone to the gym 7 days a week, certain that this would put me in a good mood. I've eaten the same muesli brand and variety for almost 2 years because I assumed that this was the trigger for a good mood. But I have now discovered that it's none of these things.

Dark Chocolate. Namely, Green & Black's organic Maya Gold Dark Chocolate.

It's organic, so apparently it's better for me and will stop me from getting cancer. And it's dark, so this has ... stuff in it, that is... um... good for you, or something.

My point is that I can now recommend that everybody buy some of this chocolate, and ration off about 4-6 pieces of it to be eaten every night before bed. Don't just go chewing it down, mind you; it must be eaten slowly - left to melt on the tongue in order to get the full benefit of it's healing and... good properties.

You should see a general uplift in your mood, and if like me, will be riding high on a wave of hysterical happiness for days.

P.s. I've run out of chocolate, therefore cannot guarantee my mood tomorrow.

000

This is the number for the emergency services in Australia. I'm posting it here as a reminder to myself because last night, when I actually needed it, I couldn't for the life of me remember it. I almost dialled 999 a few times, and then 911, and then I just called my mum.

Why? Because I was suffering from the most inexplicable pain I have ever encountered in my life. It is absolutely worthy of writing about on here, and while I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I still have an ability to distinguish between pain, and real pain. And last night's bout of period pain was ferocious.

It started suddenly, and I took two Panadol and two Codeine. They did nothing and the pain got worse and worse. Within half an hour I was shaking with pain, vomiting, and my hands had gone numb. I actually thought that it couldn't just be period pain and it had to be food poisoning or appendicitis or something. But once mum got my emergency call, she came straight over (in her pj's) carrying a bag of goodies.

By this point I was as white as a ghost and couldn't even stand up cos my feet were going numb too. I'd started hyperventilating with panic and couldn't even move my hands anymore. And then mum pulled out the tramadol.

The rest of the night, after being put in bed with a wet towel and a bottle of water, was spent in la la land. She gave me TWO tramadol so I was... fucked. Absolutely, divinely, fucked. Problem is, I'm now in limbo - somewhere between fucked and sober and can't really do much with myself. So all of my Australia Day plans have been screwed over. The only thing that makes me feel less bad about this, is that I'm probably more fucked than anybody will be at any of the parties I was planning on going to. So, technically, I'm COOL.

Pain au Chocolat

An appropriate name for a food item that relieves pain. This morning I was feeling stressed out to the max - and now, post pain au chocolat, I just feel clogged up.

No - I'm not referring to my bowel, I mean clogged up in the head. I guess I want to use this as a public notice - I want to say what I really shouldn't in real life because truly, it doesn't affect anybody but me (I hope), so here we go:

I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Mum's moving house, I'm helping to coordinate it and my job is suddenly and uncharacteristically busy. It's the head stuff though - that's what screwing me over. I'm hoping it subsides soon. I'm attempting to flush out the nasty stuff (no - I'm not referring to my bowel) and then have a clean slate.

As much as I'd love you to know what I'm talking about, I really don't need to explain it. Valium helps; now if I could just get the valium bottle to give me a god damned fucking HUG then I'd be fine. Sometimes I think that's all I need - just a bit of fucking sympathy. But really, I don't want sympathy. I just want to live in a world where people are less busy and have a little more time to share.

(Aside) And where people are less fucking sarcastic.

Sore Bum

Unfortunately this is NOT a sex-related injury. And it doesn't even belong to me. I'm talking for Jayden; my little black barina.

His little black bum got rear-ended this morning, by a Mazda. It's not the fact that his bum now has a scratch on it that upsets me, it's the fact that it was done by a Japanese piece of shit car. I'm sure you'll all agree that any car accident, regardless of fault, is more easily coped with and much more acceptable when the other car is of a fine quality and worth a bit of a perve. A Porsche, perhaps, or a Mercedes would even be better.

The same can be said for the driver. If you happen to be rear-ended by a car (let's say it's a Porsche Carerra GT) and the driver is a stunningly attractive 6 foot tall man with buns of steel and a continuous nose and forehead, you'd almost be happy for the event. This morning's perpetrator was a rather unattractive woman, around 5 foot 9 (scary for a woman), probably 100kg, wearing far too much foundation of entirely the wrong shade, and to make matters worse - she had bad skin; surprisingly still visible under the inch of make-up.

So, Jayden left with a sore and possibly damaged bum, and I left with sore eyes and a weak stomach. Not a great way to start the day.

Rich

No - I haven't won the lotto. But I have gained a new sense of richness. Whether it was the weekend of Valium, my time with my good friend Toes, or the shopping extravaganza I enjoyed on Saturday - I don't know. Either way, I am a new me this week.

I have new clothes, which helps. They fit me too - so that's even better. I went to a spin class yesterday and today, so my butt and thighs feel like concrete, in a good way. And I am now a richer person. Sometimes you can float along in your life thinking only about the things you want to improve, or the things that are lacking. And when you do this, you forget about all the good things - I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

So, this week, and forever more, I will concentrate on the good things in my life. The things that just don't cut it can get fucked - I'm sick of trying to reinvent and change things to make them appear better than they are, so I'm forgetting them. Out with the old, and in with the new [clothes].

Also - I seem to be getting through to Colin; I've started a regime of punishment. Every time he wakes me up in the middle of the night, I put him in his play room and leave him in there until I get up. So I managed to sleep in until 07:30 on Sunday!! This has added to my state of richness, and has allowed me to embark on this week of fortune with a spring in my step.

Sweet.

P.s. ... and by god do I fucking love it when the spell check finds 'no misspellings' - I am the GREATEST.